Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in a4play's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 30th, 2009
10:59 pm	Solo You look at amazing works of art, in one medium or another. Music, paint, literature, amazing epics of each medium. Did that just flow out of the creator all at once, or did they frustratingly chip away at it until it was complete? Does it depend on the medium? I've had these unbelievable moments in my life where it seems as though creativity just pours out of me, and I can do no wrong. Everything I write or say is magic. But it is fleeting. That is why I have kept to short stories... but this, this takes too long. How can anyone produce something this big in a moment of genius. That must be one really long moment. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
9:55 pm	9 weeks What can be accomplished in 9 weeks? I think a lot, but for most, not much. Just the same tedious everyday tasks. The weeks seem to be flying by, yet everything in my life feels as though it is at a stand still. I know I've been at points in my life where it feels like there isn't enough time in each day, but this time around, there really isn't enough time in the day. That's because I've let things get out of hand, let things slip away from me, that I should have stayed on top of. Do you ever wonder what you are paying for when you go to a restaurant  to eat? Are you paying for the service, the food, the atmosphere, or something else? The idea of someone working as a servant to another seems odd to me. Almost like you are temporarily renting a butler. The  ultra-rich have servants full time, do we pay to momentarily experience the feeling of extreme wealth? How many times have you been dissatisfied with your server at a restaurant, while the place was slammed, they were sweating their ass of trying to get everything done with a smile on their face? It's so odd to have to serve someone you don't know. I don't ask things of those I don't know personally. When I eat out at a restaurant, there are times I try to dig a little bit deeper into the life of the server. It can be difficult at times, because when at a restaurant, rarely are you a server's sole responsibility. It's this awkward dance of forced politeness, and exchange of the correct comments. So odd the interactions we have with one another. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
4:02 pm	California Chronicles Part Two You may be wondering if this entry is titled "California Chronicles Part Two," where part one may be. Part one was written the first time I traveled to California, some four years ago. The original California Chronicles were hand written in a notepad. I don't recall what I wrote about, I don't even know where the notepad is. I don't even remember if I later posted those writings in this online journal. What I do remember is that my nights in California were sleepless. I was, at the time, on vacation with my family. Though it didn't help, it wasn't my fathers snoring that kept me awake. Fast forward to late 2007. Once again I am on vacation, this time another part of the country: the south. Once again I am sleepless. No it wasn't my best friend's snoring with whom I was sharing a room. Fast forward again to May 2008, and once again I am sleepless. This time there is no one snoring. I am by myself. Surely you are curious as to what is stealing my counting of sheep. No, it is not some overwhelming condition of home sickness. Perhaps it is a coincidence, it just seems that any time I depart from my cozy corner of the country I happen to be infested with thoughts I cannot control. Thoughts of women, women who have some how convinced me that they are of importance to my life. My first time I traveled here to California, I was heart broken over a break-up with the first girl I felt I ever truly loved. Today she is just a shadow of a memory. I had hoped traveling across the country would have inspired some miracle of writing which would release me from my heart ache. Nothing revolutionary came. Now I sit in Los Angeles. I've been in California for six days. If there was any loss of sleep this time it was because I've been sleeping on a couch. This time there has been nothing on my mind. Literally nothing. I've taken these meager six days as an absence from reality. There hasn't been anything ground breaking on this trip, no real revelation. But there are things that I want to talk about, things I saw, things I heard...things I didn't expect. Coming from a smaller town, with small minded people, it's generally seen as a sucess if you get up, and get the hell out. Where do east coast kids always want to go? California. Everything is happening in California. Better jobs, better people, better weather, better nice life...supposedly. So I was a bit surprised when a young woman I met this weekend talked about her self-disdain due to the fact that she has spent her whole life in her home town: Newport Beach, California. Newport Beach provided me one of the most enjoyable weekends in recent memory. The weather is gorgeous, the beach is readily available, the restaurants are nice, the bars are packed, and there are beautiful people every where. Hollywood is just up the road, everyone is driving around in a Mercedes Benz, BMW, Maserati, Porsche, or Ferarri. What's not to love about this place? Two of my very good friends live out here. They were from small New Hampshire towns just like me. Both of them seem to be enjoying their time here. Neither seem 100% happy. I always had this feeling that one thing would or could make me happy. I was always one thing away from being satisfied...if I could just have that one thing. At times it was money, at times it was a motorcycle or car, I hate to say it but sometimes it was a girl. But hearing this girl talk about her desire to leave this amazingly beautiful, and fun place, reaffirms the idea that there is nothing out there that can make me happy. Only myself. And if I obtain all the things that I think I want in life, and I am still not happy with who I am, or what I am, or where I am, then that means the answer is only inside of myself. It means that happiness is not an object, it's not even an emotion, it's a perspective. I think I could be happy in California, but I think I could also be happy in New Hampshire, or North Carolina, or a number of other places. I am actually very excited to return to New Hampshire tomorrow. Not because I miss it there, or I necessarily miss anyone there, but when I return I'll be able to facilitate myself to accomplish what I want. It is a possibility that a lot of what I have accomplished is more a matter of me being stubborn, rather then driven. I want that to change. There is a lot that I feel like I have yet to be accomplished. But at this point I have to thank everyone in my life past or present, kind or cruel, honest or truthless. Each of you have taught me something valuable, and helped to shape who I am. My friends, I love you. My family I'm learning to endure you, my enemies I shall never forget you. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 12th, 2009
7:13 pm	This is why I hate humanity First watch this: http://webcastr.com/videos/underground/Teen-Commits-Suicide-Sexting-is-to-Blame-Jesse-Logan.com (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
9:31 pm	With the devil's head in my hands This evening is the second evening in a  row that I found myself out and about, my mind racing with thoughts. I could not wait to get home and write about all the things I was thinking about. Both nights when I arrived home, the desire vanishing. Literally disappearing. Tonight however I've decided to force myself to write anyway, in the hope that the desire, and rational and provocative thoughts will return to me. I'm not entirely sure what these happenings mean. I think maybe it means I need a change of pace. I know I'll be getting one soon, but maybe not soon enough. Recently I've noticed that I have been spending more and more time by myself. This isn't exactly a conscious choice, more of a force of habit, or routine. Interestingly enough there have been quite a few people from my past popping up in my life, showing signs of interest, only to quickly dissipate. Handfuls of people have called me, sent me e-mails, sent me text messages, telling me how much they missed me, and how they wanted to see me. Only to later ditch plans, not return phone calls, not return e-mails, not return text messages. I really do not understand this at all. Why go out of your way to get my attention only to later blow me off? I understand that my peers lives' are different today then they were yesterday, with more and more of us having greater responsibilities, but in all honesty who has more responsibility then me? Very few, and I can still find time to see people in an attempt to make them happy. I am actually quite content keeping to myself. Deep down I am an artist, there is this creative side to me, that introverted art-weirdo side of me. Despite my normally loud, goofy, and outspoken personality I have a side of me that is infatuated with sadness, darkness, anger, wonder, and lust. I really do not care if it's typical, or cliche, or strange, it is part of who I am, and it has produced some very beautiful things, that I appreciate, and others have appreciated. It also seems that the older I get, the less concerns I have for the things I used to hold in high regard. Two items that rank high on that list are my personal safety and human life. There was once a time when I was what some would call a philanthropist, now I feel like humanity is an insignificant spec on the face of the Earth. When I start to think about all the arbitrary tasks we all perform each day just to satisfy the silly standards we've created for ourselves, and the biggest concern on everyone's mind is self preservation. We need to beat cancer, we need to beat aids,  we need to beat malaria, we need to beat heart disease. There are 6.6 billion people on the planet. That is so many people that at any given moment you can pick an arbitrary task and guarantee someone is doing it. right. now. Right now someone is giving birth. Right now someone is shoveling snow. Right now someone is accepting a marriage proposal. Right now someone is crashing their car. Right now someone is committing suicide. Right now someone is contracting an STD. 6.6 billion people. I cannot help but wonder if many of the disease doctors spend billions of dollars on trying to cure even existed before there were this many people on the planet. With so many diseases without clear causes, I can't help but wonder if it is just merely genetic mutation due to a vague case of inbreeding. How many bacterias have mutated to create new and never before seen problems? Either way all these diseases are mother nature's way of keeping the population down, yet we keep overcoming these things. I actually believe if we out smart mother nature, we will be hanging ourselves. Extinction. So where does that leave us? Well I used to think that it was my personal responsibility to save everyone. Now I feel like it's my personal responsibility to enjoy myself. Funny thing is, I enjoy myself quite a bit when I'm helping others. And with all the HUGE issues that are on our plates as humans and as Americans, I find it hard to believe that people think that they are so important that they can blow me (or anyone else) off. I've seen people lately with these enormous voids in their lives, and I've watched them scratch and claw in attempts to fill those voids. For some it's been bearing a child (probably worse way to try fix a personal problem in my opinion, your life is already shit so why not bring someone else along for the ride!) For others it's been attaching themselves to a significant other that is more then clearly just the first person who came along. Others try to fill their void by using other people, some by spending money on useless things. In truth we all have our own personal measurements for success, and we all have the things that make us happy, yet I feel like there are some standards that everyone should abide by. A certain moral code. Sure I think there should be about half the people on the planet then there actually is, that doesn't mean I resent those who are living. They were not chosen to be here, just like I wasn't chosen to be here. My own death would be a step in the right direction as far as population goes. If  someone wanted to wipe out a million people, there is nothing that should qualify me to be excluded from that group. But if we are going to be here thrashing through the planet, shouldn't we at least try to make the most of our time here? I can't help but look at the territorial battles that have taken place over the few thousand years humanity has been here. All those that murdered for land, eventually died, and truth be told the earth doesn't care where you lay down to die, your soul will fade away just the same in any place. If we MUST be here, then why can't we be kind to one another? If we are going to be here why can't we realize that being here is a privelage? If we must be here what makes us think we have the right to bring others here?  I am going to repeat myself: I am at the age where many of my peers are beginning to have children. I am a firm believer  that one shouldn't have a child until they have justified their own existence (though the requirements of that justification are blurry in my mind, I know I have not reached them). Given the insane amount of  people that roam the earth people still feel the need to reproduce regularly. Over and over I've heard people say "it's a mothers' instinct." or "it's a maternal clock." Well guess what, It's my instinct to fight other men, to reproduce with any mate I may find, and fight violently to keep her as my own. But I don't go out raping women and beating people up. Why? Because I am a human fucking being,  and we have rational thought. I know that I don't have kill an animal for food, I can just buy some meat at the store. I know I don't have to rape a woman because I can have an emotional relationship with one instead. I know I don't have to beat another guy to keep him away from my girlfriend because he isn't going to rape her. So why is it so difficult for people to realize that they can adopt a child, instead of bringing ANOTHER ONE into the world. "Hey there are 6.6 billion people on the planet, there is a definite lack of natural resources, are agricultural system is likely to collapse in the next 5 years, there is pollution every where from all the people, disease is strickening some of the bigger countries in the world, children are dying due to famine and dehydration, poverty and homelessness surround us, I can barely financially support myself in the worst economy my country has seen since the great depression, but gee ya know, I feel like I need to have a baby." Sometimes I think about all the drug addicts, rapists, muderers, child molesters, theives, etc... and I wonder if they hadn't been born, would others just have taken there place? I doubt it. This entry spans personal issues all the way to global ones. They are one in the same. If people are failing on an accute level of personal relationship and awareness, how can we collectively survive? You think you need someone else to survive? You don't. All you need is yourself. You think what you want is all that matters? It's not, because if everyone was focused on satisfying you, they wouldn't be able to exist, and then there would be no on there to provide for you what you so eloquently made yourself dependent on them for. And when you die those who weep for you will surely die too, and if you've spent your whole life only satisfying yourself, you'll be the first to be forgotten. Current Music: my crazy brain (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
10:18 pm	Updates I know I haven't posted in a really long time. There have been a lot of things that have been provoking my thoughts lately. A lot of things are musical, or bigger projects that I can't just throw on here and update everyone immediately. There are going to be some big changes, and a really big surprise for everyone in the next couple of months. So stay tuned. Also check out my fitness log at www.livejournal.com/users/forcefedfreak I am going to be tracking my workouts daily. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 13th, 2009
8:04 pm	I traced my blood back to the gods I think I am going to cut right to the chase. I am not really in the mood to put much fluff here. Right now I just do not have it in me to try to wow anyone with acrobatic literature. I've spent the better part of the last three days in a car, doing things I'd rather not do, eating food I'd rather not eat. I was supposed to drive to Cape Cod, to have a RMV-1 form (yeah whatever the fuck that is) stamped by an insurance agency, so I could then bring the RMV-1 form to a Mass Registry in Plymouth, MA, to then deliver a car to Coventry, RI. I don't know why I was at all surprised that when I made my way to the registry I was assigned a number, and had to wait for 45 minutes before I could even talk to anyone. Naturally when I talked to them, I was informed that I did not have the proper documentation required to register the vehicle. An original copy of a signed odometer statement. My copy was not good enough. Did it matter that I had just drive 3 hours to do this? No. My problems did not matter. Why not? Because there is a system, and that system chains me to a 3x8" piece of paper, with someone's name scribbled on it with an immeasurable amount of ink, that came from a pen that was carved out of a larger piece of plastic, by a machine, in a factory, a machine ran by someone who goes to work in the same factory everyday, pushing the same buttons every day to make money to buy things they don't need. And how did the pen get to the person's hand? Of course it was shipped in a truck or a plane, driven by a person that drives a truck every day to make money, to buy things they don't need. And who built the truck that the driver drove? A person who goes to work in a factory every day, pushing the same buttons on the same machine, just to make money to buy things they don't need. And of course why did I need to bring a car to Ri in the first place? So some person can have a way to get to work, to make money, to pay for their car, and the other things they probably don't need. And on my second trip to Plymouth, MA to the same registry, talking to the same miserable women, who go to that clustered place every day to make money, to stay afloat as the chains of humanity try to pull them under, I overheard a receptionist telling an applicant for license that they need 4 forms of I.D. to take the drivers test. The receptionist said this in such a matter of fact way, like it's blatantly obvious that you would need 4 forms, and that it is the most important thing in the world that you have 4 forms. What is the most important thing in your life? Is it a tangible object? Is it a personal attribute, is it another person? What is it? Is there anything in your life that if taken away, you would just give up and end yourself? I mean really, what are we doing here? We all want a nice house, a nice car, a nice TV, nice clothes. But for what? We are eating away at our true home, we are killing the one thing that gives us life, and for what 70 years of selfishness? How insignificant is one life? But as the masses we are unbelievably strong and overwhelming, and now there are so many of us we need to regulate everything or else it will get out of hand. We need jobs to buy the things we want, but we need cars to get us to our jobs, and we need roads to use our cars on, and we need licensing and registration to organize those cars, and we need paper and pens to create the licenses and registrations, and we need cars to get the paper and pens to the people who are the registerers and registerees, and of course we need people to monitor the registering and licensing, and they need cars to get to the place where we do that kind of thing, and how could I forget where people buy cars, we need a company to make them, and then people to sell them, but how could I sell them if you didn't know they were there? So there needs to be a way for people hear about them, so we advertise on the television you bought but don't need, and you hear about it on the radio you listen to in the car you drive to get to the place to make money to buy the TV you didn't need. But I am getting paid to tell you about the car so you can't trust me, so there needs to be a group of people who's job it is to test things out and talk about them, and on, and on, and on. What would you do if there was only a hundred thousand people in the world total? Or ten thousand, or a thousand, or a hundred? What would you do? What if you woke up tomorrow, and there were only a hundred people left in the world, scattered all over the planet. Would you bother to dress up? Would you turn on the TV? Would you try to check your e-mail? What would you do? I know what I would do. Current Music: the acacia strain (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008
8:33 pm	Top 10 Albums of 2008 It is that time of year again, where I stick everyone in the face with my grubby opinions. All in all I purchased 50 2008 album releases. Nearly one a week. And although there is one week left in the year, there is nothing about to be released (to my knowledge) that I think would mind blowing. So here it is, my top 10 Albums of 2008. 10. Secret Lives of the Free Masons- Weekend Warriors I was turned on to this band by a friend, and although I haven't taken the time to compare this album to their older music, I would say this album is as good of an introduction to the band as anything else they could have put out. Overall this album is extremely high energy, fortunately not in an overly poppy way. But just as the title states, it's high charged, and ready for fun. Even when the band makes slight stabs at more important things then drinking beer and partying (like girls, and backstabbing friends) they don't lose their fun, and amped up feel. It seems more and more there are far fewer albums that I can listen to start to finish, without skipping tracks. This is one of those albums. This band is so much fun, it's hard not to like them. Even the most serious of characters will find themselves singing along, and tapping their foot to the songs, hours after listening, as they easily get stuck in your head. And with song titles like "XanaX" "Chug and Leave" and "Life begins at 40oz" you know these guys are here to party. Stand out tracks: "Chug and Leave", "Airplanes" 9. Norma Jean- The Anti-Mother Norma Jean is an extremely easy band to hate with all the "emo" (ugh) tweens (ugh x2) running around with their t-shirts on, but sometimes you have to let a band's image go, and just listen to the music. And while listening to The Anti-Mother you'll hear something extremely familiar...the same dirty and raw riffage that Norma Jean has been doing for so long now (despite the member changes). It seems the band has lost some of it's original fans over it's last two releases, but there are songs that give you the chill of anticipation like their older tracks ("Like bringing a knife to a gun fight"). Interestingly enough Norma Jean calls on Chino Moreno of the Deftones to appear on a few different songs. I found this quite interesting due to the fact that Norma Jean was born of the band Luti-Kriss, and when originally introduced to Luti-Kriss many years ago, my best friend described them as "Deftones on speed." Chino's dreamy and again "raw" vocal stylings mesh perfectly with Norma Jean's sometimes ambient music. The Anti-Mother definitely utilizes a less-is-more approach, making it not so much about a break down, but letting a song breath (Much like a standout blues player lets a solo breath), but if you are looking for an album to amp you up, you should have this one your list. Hard, raw, aggressive, well-produced, and at times slightly catchy (In a brutal way of course) Stand out tracks: "Robots 3 HUmans 0", "Discipline your Daughters" 8. Atmosphere- When Life Gives you Lemons, Paint that Shit Gold Admittedly when I first purchased this album, I hated it. It wasn't because I had high expectations (in fact I think Atmosphere for the most part is hit or miss), but I just didn't give it a fair listen. I was looking for what Atmosphere has delivered before, hard beats, hard lyrics. I wasn't looking for (or expecting) the lyrical depth that this album produces. I will say that even now there are a few beats I am not too crazy about, but the lyrical content overrides any of that. Slug doesn't shy away from any topic on this album, but focuses mostly on issues that far too many Americans deal with in their life time, parents splitting up, teen pregnancies, family members dying, homelessnes, drug and alcohol addictions. If you are looking for ring-tone-rap, i'm sorry, but this isn't your album. Despite there being some production on this album that isn't my style, there are some songs that are straight up motivation. "Puppets" starts with a simple clap and piano sound in the background, no drums, letting Slug express some things verbally, but when the beat finally breaks, it evokes an incredibly overwhelming feeling, delivering that powerful expression that Atmosphere does so well. I don't know what it was like to live Slug's life, but I have a much better idea after listening to this album. It's probably the only album that can take me from wanting to stand on the counter at a bar and pump my fist, to nearly breaking down in tears all in the same hour. Stand out tracks: "Dreamer", "Your Glass House", "The Waitress" 7. Game- LAX Files I've been a fan of Game since his debut, and it doesn't hurt that he usually has the top producers in the game spinning beats for him, but he has a quality that a lot of other popular rappers are lacking, and that's a passion for making music that he wants to make, not what other people necessarily want to hear. For example the song "Angel" has such a ridiculously old-school beat, that most suburban whities would cringe at, but Game slaps it smack dab in the middle of the record, and kills it lyrically and makes it work. Game also takes listeners into deeper waters with "Never can Say Goodbye" a song about the loss of hip-hop icons Notorious BIG, Tupac, and other rap legends. Game flows, the production is nuts, it has lyrical content, I don't know what more you could want from a hip-hop album. It's an instant classic. Stand out tracks: "State of Emergency", "LAX Files" 6. The Ghost Inside- Fury and the Fallen Ones I can't quite recall how I stumbled upon this band, but it is nearly everyday I am thankful that I did. This album is a derivation of metal-core, no two ways about it. There is nothing new here, nothing revolutionary musically, but they do what they do, so damn well. Everything from guitar tone, to drums, to the singers scream is just perfect. This band doesn't bludgeon you over the head with needless and seemingly endless breakdowns. Instead they provide a high paced in your face album utilizing punk-style beats, brutal chugs, off-chords, and the type of screaming that even an un-trained ear could understand lyrically. The Ghost Inside is Killswitch Engage meets The Acacia Strain meets The Hope Conspiracy. If you like any kind of metal, or hardcore or punk, get this album. Stand out tracks: "Faith or Forgiveness", "Blue and Gold" 5. Trenches- The Tide Will Swallow us Whole Trenches is ex-Haste the Day (who also has a good 2008 release) singer Jimmy Ryan's newest project. I didn't know what to think of this album when I first heard it other then "This guy sounds like Zao." This album is droning, crushing, overpowering. It is monolithic in it's approach. Each track is laced with thick and low crunching guitars juxtaposed with airy and hollow lead parts (hollow in a good way!) creating a messy dream of music that is almost trance like. This album is just plain amazing. This album lives up to it's name, it actually feels like an unstoppable ocean tide pulling you deeper and deeper out to sea, until you are immersed in it. Transitions from track to track are seemless, aiding the tidal wave effect of this album. This is for fans of Zao, Intronaut, Jesu, and Pelican. It's rhythmic, it's HUGE. Stand out Tracks: none, they are all amazing. 4. Architects- Ruin Okay, so technically this album was originally released in 2007, BUT it was re-released with more songs in 2008, and since I missed it in 07, and since it's that good, I'm putting it in my top ten. Personally I feel tech-metal is hit or miss, but Architect manages to introduce mind-boggling metal shredding, into a realm that most hardcore-toughguys feel comfortable in. If you ever wondered what Dillinger would be like if they played more composed music...this is it. There is no showman shredding, there is no chaos for the sake of chaos, It is hectic, and anxious music, but it is all for a reason, and it is never overly done to the point of annoyance. The only thing that comes close to reminding me of this band is Oh, Sleeper, but then again Architects does the style so much better. It has it's crushing moments, it's unbelievable guitar playing, but it is just as relentless as an August Burns Red album. Stand out tracks: "Buried at Sea", "North Lane" 3. City and Colour- Bring me your Love This is yet another album I didn't care for the first time I heard it. I was so used to Dallas Green's first EP and album which in my eyes was more or less a Canadian Dashboard Confessional. Looking back, it makes me realize that Green's earlier work as City and Colour was exactly what you would expect a guy like him to do with an acoustic side project. Bring me your Love breaks out of that mold, it's a lot more...dare I say folky? The production sounds a lot more natural, and the guitar sounds like a classical, not the smooth buttery sounds of his older work. This album is some what dark, dealing lyrically with self-death (in fact the cover is a painting of Green sleeping, or perhaps even dead) The music is more composed from a melody standpoint, and in general has a lot more feeling then his older work. Listening to it, it is hard to believe he is one of the master minds behind one of the best screamo-bands currently on the scene (Alexisonfire). These songs have the power to make you feel in love. They are so powerful emotionally, and amazingly all very simple songs. It is a masterpiece start to finish. Stand out tracks: "Sensible Heart", "Confessions" 2. Joshua Radin- Simple Times There are some amazing songs on Joshua Radin's previous album, but this album is so much more complete. I can't think of any other artist that can do so much with so little natural talent. Radin doesn't have a huge vocal range, the guitar work isn't groundbreaking. His songs are simple, but have such a genuine feeling. Like Anthony Keidis, or Billy Corgan, Joshua Radin doesn't have a very traditional voice, but when he is singing, you know it is him. This album is soothing, it's smooth, and natural sounding. If this album was a smell it would be natural wood, if it were a sight it would be tall grass blowing in a breeze, if it were a taste it would be...warm apple pie. Stand out tracks: "One of those Days", "Friend like you" 1. Meshuggah- Obzen Meshuggah is known for their conformed chaos, their odd yet smart time signatures, their inexplicable grooves, and rhythmic riffs. Obzen doesn't dissappoint, yet for the first time Meshuggah packages it together in a way more structured then any before. I wouldn't dare call it "traditional song structure," afterall there isn't a track under 4 minutes long, with some pushing upwards of 5 or 6 even one reaching the 9:36 mark, however this is the most understandable messhugah album to date. That is only part of what makes it great. This album is intelligent. Meshuggah may play 8 string guitars, but unlike most "heavy" bands these days they don't ride the bottom string until they're blue in the face. Instead they use it in creative ways, such as just when you think the band has bottomed out on a note, they take it down another level lower when you least expect it, creating crushing waves of riffage, which is a perfect landscape for their vocalist to deliver his usual machine like barks. I used to listen to listen to this album my last semester of college while sitting in the library on campus doing logic homework. This album has such a flow you lose yourself in it, and in it's songs. Meshuggah didn't reinvent themselves, they just finally perfected what they were always working towards. Stand out tracks: "Bleed", "Obzen" Albums that didn't make the cut: Misery Signals- Controller: Maybe if Mirrors was never released this would be a consideration, but that was a tough act to follow and I think they came up a tad bit short, it's not a bad album, it's just not what I had hoped for. Unearth- The March: Many people weren't thrilled with their previous release, and have praised this one. It's not bad, but it doesn't give me any reason to listen to it, it's just another metal album. Protest the Hero- Fortress: The first time I heard PTH I was blown away, but they are a niche style of music, one I can only tolerate so much of. Once again this album isn't bad it just doesn't offer anything that their previous work hasn't already covered. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 19th, 2008
11:19 pm	Wait for it I envision myself dying a glorious death. Not like a warrior, I feel that is too played out. There have been so many stories of heroes dying on the battle field. No, instead perhaps a car crash. My death isn't sudden, instead I am thrown from the vehicle, and I cannot move. It is winter and I bleed out into the snow, making the redest red you've ever seen. As my body loses blood, the cold takes over, and the winter chill is what kills me. This of course is many years from now, after I've done something great, like write a book. It will be a true story, the book. It will gain mild popularity after it's publication, but it's full potential won't be grasped by the public until after my death. They'll use the book as a teaching tool in third year high school English classes. That's the best year of high school by the way. The kids are old enough to really start to develop some meaningful thoughts, yet not too old to be corrupted by most of the bullshit that manifests itself in early adulthood. Seniors are too focused on being seniors, and being at the top of the ladder. Seniors are too busy remeniscing about what they thought was the best time of their life, unknowing that there is a potential for seemingly enending fun and greatness. But anyway, back to my death. It will be a single car accident. No drunk driver crossing the double yellow. No, it will be a moose. I'll have swerved to avoid him, and lost control of my vehicle. To this day I've never seen a live moose in person, and I think they day I die will be the first time I see one. That sounds about right. Do you ever sit outside when it snows, away from the roads, and the malls, and all the noise we create? Did you ever notice in the silence of winter, there is no silence at all. In fact the sound is so loud it is defeaning, yet calming at the same time. That is what I want surrounding me when this heart can no longer beat. A stranger will see my car on it's roof, and find me laying on the ground. They'll call for help, and then lift me into his or her arms. They have no one traveling with them. It will be me, and them alone. They won't recognize my face, despite the fact there is a picture of me on the inside cover of my book. I haven't the slightest clue what my last words will be. I hope they are something profound, and meaningful. I'll have no message for anyone, friends nor family for this stranger to convey. I hope to lead a life where I express myself in full, thus those I love and cherish will already know it, without a doubt. But if there is one thing I wish for, it's that when I die, I love someone. Because if I am in love that means I'll die under the belief that someone in this world is without flaw. You have to have faith in one person, before you can have faith in all of humanity. I have faith in not a soul, so how am I supposed to save the world? You can't save a world you don't believe in. You can't be missed after your death, if you've done nothing profound, and you can't do anything profound, if you aren't driven to do it, and you won't be driven to do it, if you don't believe in it. There it is. Bundled but cold, nothing but white and red. Laying flat on the ground, one against and with the Earth. Not a sound to be heard, but the snow falling from the sky. The loudest sound of all. Current Music: NIN- The Day the Whole World Went Away (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
10:03 pm	Gold Rush A man approaches a building in a decade old something or other SUV. There isn't much to like about this car. You can tell a lot about a person by what they drive and how they keep it. The condition it's in it doesn't look like he planned to keep it. I guess he messed that up. He pulls his car right up to the closest spot to the entrance. You know, the spot the government gives to those who have it bad, like a national pat on the back saying "Well at least you get to have the best parking spot." Probably a good idea, seeing as how it has been more then once in my life that I heard someone brag about a spot they scored. So here comes this guy hobbling up to the building, a crutch under one arm. I take back what I said about this guy's car, because it doesn't look like he planned to keep this body either. After the man tends to whatever business he came for, he hobbles back out the door to his faded red chariot. He opens the back door, and pauses. He is some what hunched over but I cannot see what he is doing. It's at that moment I see a big puff of gray smoke dissipate above him. He chucks the crutch into the open door, slams it shut, walks limp-free to the front door, hops in, and speeds off. Welcome to America. Current Music: Norma Jean (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 12th, 2008
11:24 pm	I'm tired I am fine, and if I needed your help I would ask for it. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 30th, 2008
9:38 pm	I don't believe any of it "Well time to go home." Said the grounds keeper as he walked passed my desk. I pulled my sleeve up an inch to see my watch. "It's only 3:30..." I say. Not so much in dismay or disapproval that he is leaving, but more in jealousy that he gets to go, and perhaps with a bit of apathy as well. I have far more hours left to my day. The old man smiles at me and says "Well I get here at 7" he says "I do my eight hours." I nod in approval, fully expecting him to continue on with his day, and leave me behind. Instead he just stand there looking at me. "Well I get here at 6:30, but I don't punch in until 7." It's pretty clear this guy doesn't get much attention, and honestly I've got nothing better going on so I don't mind giving it to him. "What the hell do you do for a half hour?" I ask him. "Oh I do a lot of things, sweep the floor, take out the garbage, clean that restrooms." At this point I must admit I am a bit confused. "Well if you start working at 6:30 why do you wait until 7 to punch in?" The man smiles again and says "Boss gets mad when he has to pay me overtime." "So why don't you just come in at 7?" "Because without that extra half hour in the morning I can never get everything done I need to get done. Once everyone else shows up I'm running around all day." "That is a lot of money every month that you're not getting paid...that's 10 hours of unpaid hours a month. That is foolish!" "You call it foolish, I call it dedication." The man walks off and his pride is more than apparent, it sits in the air so strongly I for a split second actually feel like he's right. He doesn't say it, and I don't ask him, but I know that he finds a certain kind of peace at the end of each day; a sense of accomplishment. I then wonder if I should be jealous of that feeling. It is one I never feel. It takes more then cleaning a toilet, or emptying a garbage can for me to feel accomplished...even if that were all that was expected of me. What keeps me hard at work each day is not the desire to appease someone else, or work hard because that is what I am supposed to do, but rather I work  hard to advance myself up and out of the hole I continually feel like I am in. And I know there are those that walk this earth with a sense that we need to do something with ourselves to make people happy, and make the world better. Perhaps those of us that think that way are fools chasing an unimportant dream, and those who have it right are the ones that live each day for their own simple fulfillment. Current Music: Imogen Heap (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
2:02 pm	The incompetence of my peers With two days left before the voting began, I vigorously questioned people as to whom I should vote for and why. It will probably come as no surprise that those who encouraged me to vote for Obama proclaimed reasons such as "hope" and "change." While most of the McCain supporters issued ridiculous claims such as "Obama will get assassinated anyway" and "I don't want to pay for some crack head to have kids." In my eyes the Obama voters were clearly brainwashed by a wonderfully propagated campaign, and the McCain voters were simply tied to their own biggotry and close-mindedness. One thing I must say I found interesting is how many of my peers (read: college kids) were in a convicted state of support for Obama. I contribute this mostly to his large spending on web-campaigning. Of course on the news this morning were all kinds of analysts discussing how Obama's campain worked, and why it was succesful, but they all shyed away from one thing in particular...the similiarities in Obama's speaking to that of Adolf Hitler. OH MY GOD NO HE DIDN'T! I am in no way shape or form, saying Obama's ideals are similiar to that of Hitler, but his tactis certainly are. People may often wonder how a whole country could have been pursuaded to turn their backs to millions of people being tortured and killed. Great propaganda has two basic functions: Simplicity Repetitiveness "YES WE CAN" "PROGRESS" "CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN" Sound familiar? Of course it does, because those three statements have been shoved down our throats over and over again for the past three years. Ever seen an Obama rally? He speaks with a loud, booming voice. Breaking up his sentences bit by bit, one big monument of an announcement after the next. From Obama's speach at the democratic convention four years ago: I won't deny the fact that it is so easy to feel empowered listening to him speak. For me what it breaks down to is Obama himself isn't what bothers me, it is the people that so blindly follow him. Here in America we have the freedom to choose who we vote for, but no one can force us to make a rational decision. How many people voted out of emotion this time around? How many people who don't even understand the fundamental principals of the branches of our goverment voted for Obama because he is a man of "color?" How many people have been caught up in the bandwagon thinking that we are in a recession? Recently I began working as a sales person at a car dealership. Everyone I run in to, cringes when I tell them of my employment. "Oh man the market is terrible right now. It's so hard to get a decent rate on a loan, it's so hard to get approved." I am making more money right now then I ever have. I have yet to have one customer not get approved for a loan, and we have programs with 0% APR. How many of the college kids that believe in Obama because they want "change" and think our economy sucks, go out every weekend and spend frivulous amounts of money on alcohol at the bar? How many have cell phones, ipods, multiple televisions, computers, multiple purses, over 10 pairs of jeans, jewelry, shoes. Yeah the economy sure does suck, but these people who want "change" some how still manage to spend most of their time fucking off. I'm sure every damn college kid in America has taken some kind of humanities course at some point. Gosh wouldn't it be great if we could help the poor? We need Obama to help American families! How many hours of community service have YOU done in the last four years? How much money have you donated to charity in the last four years?  And finally, the reason I am writing this. More then one person I have encountered today has ignorantly spewed "remember, remember the 5th of November." Which is a quote made popular by the 2005 Hollywood flick V for Vendetta. My peers use this quote for undoubtely making note of today being a historical moment in History. Ironically enough the amount of faith put into Obama by his supporters is frighteneling overwhelming. They expect this man to do so much. He is openly pro-socialism, once again just like...Nazi Germany. The very idea behind the story of V For Vendetta is an anarchists rise against goverment, and the totalitarian power of one man. So not only is the movie anti-establishment, but the main character "V" disguises himself with a Guy Fawkes mask. In case you don't know who Guy Fawkes is, he was part of a plan in the 1600s to kill the King of England, and the plot was to be executed on the 5th of November, 1605. And now hundreds of years later people are using Guy Fawkes memory in celebration of the election of a leader of the most powerful government in the world, who was elected simply on a carnival of propaganda. Wow you college kids are fucking dumb as shit. The biggest moment of irony is that the original poem from which "remember, remember..." came from was in Celebration that Guy Fawkes was caught, and his plan to kill the King was foiled, thus not obstructing the totalitarian and oppressionistic rule of King James I of England. So basically it boils down to: Kids using this quote only know about it because they saw a movie about anarchy and missed the point. They are blindly celebrating a tribute to an oppressive leader. Awesome. I'm done, because I know most of the people that read this won't understand it, and will react in anger or silence. Current Music: Deathstar (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 3rd, 2008
6:24 pm	My final fucking word Picture this: You are sitting at breakfast in a restaurant by yourself. You didn't have to work until late in the morning so you thought you would treat yourself to some flapjacks and coffee at the local diner. At a table behind you a couple sits and talks about the upcoming election. They are talking about John McCain and how they can't wait until he is president. God how stupid could they be? You think to yourself. You start to lose your appetite as they begin to talk about how terrible Obama's economic reform plan is. What a bunch of fucking morons. Your cheeks are hot, and there is no way you could swallow one more bite of food. You are absolutely disgusted by the ignorance of some people. You ask for your check, leave a ten and some change on the table, and take off. ________________________ It seems everyone these days can recall a time when they were absolutely disgusted by someone's political views, to the point it made your "blood boil." If  you can, I want you to raise your right hand, and then slap yourself straight across the face, hopefully resulting in you waking the fuck up. The truth of the matter is that if your opinion was worth anything at all, you would have more intelligence and and tact then to take a position of prejudice and ignorance; simply put you wouldn't put down someone's beliefs, nor would you slander a candidate in a childish manner. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard people use McCains age as a reason NOT to vote for him. There is no doubt in my mind that there is some jest in place, but if that is really the best thing you can come up with to verbally project at another member of humanity, you might as well kill yourself, because you aren't operating at maximum capacity. I wish I lived in a world where age discrimination is just as frowned up as racism is (just like the way we teach our children it should be). Surely there are those in this country who won't vote for Obama simply because the color of his skin, but I doubt there are any people who would gasp in disgust if I went on national TV and said "I'm not voiting for McCain because I am old." Despite my attempts to lead an individualized life style I still find myself participating in things that you would imagine most 23 year olds would. Yes, I am a member of the online community known as facebook. When I log on Facebook is happy to update with me with all of my friends "status". Users can use realtime updates to inform their friends as to what they are doing. One friend named Tyler this evening proccliamed that he would be moving to Australia if McCain wins the election. Personally I don't think Australia would want such a coward living in their country. I had to laugh at the irony in that, because the very candidate that he supported has a tag line that says "I'm asking you to believe. Not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington...I'm asking you to believe in yours." Well apparently despite the fact that Tyler so desperately wants Obama to win, he somehow missed Barack's most fundamental message. Because anyone who procclaims they would flee the country obviously doesn't think much of themselves, or their power to personally make anything happen. Pat yourself on the back Tyler. Good job. Shortly after the vice-presidential debate I remember one acquaintance making the remark that if she saw Sarah Palin wink one more time she was going to vomit all over herself. I felt nothing but sympathy for her, because never in my life could I recall being so physically affected by someone whom I'd never met, and I wondered what it was like to be so easliy influenced by other people. This acquaintance has her masters degree and has traveled to places such as Japan and England. I'm glad all she could take away from the debate was a self-admiring punch at someone she has never met. Now before all you Obama nut-huggers have a fit and punch a whole in your monitor after reading everything I just wrote, know this: I don't support McCain. For the most part this election season I've avoided all politics like the plague. Before I felt it was so important to be informed, and read and listen to every piece of information I could get my hands on. It's all useless. I'll tell you why: The vast, VAST majority of people are going to seak out the media that supports there already formed opinions (opinions most likely influenced by popular culture, or family tradition) and merely bad mouth and slander the information that supports the candidate they oppose. This evening I was stuck at work, so I decided to take some time to examine each candidates website. It was nothing short of what I expected. Propaganda. Outrageous claims of how they are going to fix everything, but not one single detailed method of what they would do to make that fixing happen. One thing I did notice was McCain had a lot more slandering of Obama, then Obama did of McCain, which only reaffirmed a belief I've had for a long time: I think Obama is a more genuine person...I just don't agree with his politics. So who do I vote for? The person I think is the better man? Or the person I think has a better plan? And to be honest I have enough faith in myself to not lose sleep over it, to not get upset about it, to not let my blood boil over it. Because I believe the only person that can truly change my life is me. And for all of you that have slandered Obama for being not-white, or McCain for being old, or Obama for his political ideals, or McCain for his...you should be afuckingshamed of yourself. Show people that your choice is the smart one, by being an intelligent person and speaking in an intelligent manner. And for all of those people who think it funny to say such ridiculous things about another human being, another human life...I will feel nothing but pity for you, because I know how grotesquely upset you will be, and it will amuse me to how truly ignorant you are. You want to know who I am going to vote for? I'm going to write myself in. Current Music: None (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 16th, 2008
10:49 pm	It's impossible There was a time when there were moments in his life that felt like they lasted more then a moment should. Maybe you would call them minutes, but to him they were more then moments, or minutes, or even hours. To him this was eternity. Most days of your life are exactly the same. You've some  how committed yourself to some type of typical obligation, and now you're forced to fulfill it daily. Some people dream of riches, some people dream of fame, some people dream of love. He did not dream much, he didn't have to. You don't have to dream when you live the figments manifested by the same dreams you don't have to have. She lay atop him. Her head against his chest. She didn't say it but he knew she could hear his heart beat. He was nervous that it was beating too fast, thus exposing his already otherwise blatant affection and adoration of her. If he thought of it sensibly he would realize there is no sense of it at all...why should he fear her knowing of his affection...after all she was laying atop him, her head against his chest. One of his hands was spread across the small of her back, his arm around her, and in every way possible he hoped she felt as protected by the position as he imagined he could protect her in his own mind. His other hand cradled hers, so small and fragile it felt, and as small as it was it fit just perfectly inside of his. He had no other point of view then his own, yet your life is a reality of dreams when not a word need be spoken to fully understand another human being. What a beautiful being she was, with the most delicate of features surrounded by a rose bed of curls. Her eyes like oceans with lashes like waves crashing out onto the sea. He had seen her cry, and there was something beautiful about that too. Maybe it was the way he hurt when she cried that he found beautiful, the fact that he could so purely care for someone else was a gorgeous thing to him. Her lips always poised in such a way as if she were about to tell you a secret. Surely you know the expression...the moment of ecstasy when one is about to release a piece of information they have been longing to share. She was so alive and aware. He loved her. I will tell you a secret, by now you must be dying to know. What does it feel like to live dreams you don't have to have? Step outside your door, and if you have to, take a walk to the woods. Can you hear a rivers rumble, over the rocks and the logs and the sand? Take a big breathe and close your eyes. The river's water makes the air crisp, and awake. As if the very same force that created this earth is being pushed into your lungs, and forced into your blood. Complete clarity overcomes you and it washes away your doubt and your worry and your fear. In back of his house was a such a river. He walked into the woods and followed it down as far as his legs would carry him. Eventually an island emerged splitting the river into two beautiful snakes of life and movement. He thought now instead of one beautiful thing there was two..one river to the left, a river to the right, each finding home flowing through the woods. And the water flowed down through the sticks, and the stones, and the sand, and though the water doesn't ever stop for anything or anyone, each river surely became a stream. Flowing for sure, but never the same speed. When those moments lasted hours, and they defined his life, they had strength, but certainly no control, and life brought them rocks, and stones, and sand, and islands, and they flowed their water over them without a care only to end up in opposite ends of the ocean. Now he is forever sailing, hoping one day she'll paddle out to him. He dreams now...he dreams of pulling her out of the water, and saving her, and being her hero...but maybe he's the one that's drowning. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 28th, 2008
10:23 pm	Untitled Ashen Run All hands on deck This ship is setting sail Pull the anchors Over the rails I hope you kissed your wives goodbye And your children too Away we sail on the ocean blue Attention all hands Brace  yourself for a storm The god’s winds are here Some cold and some warm I hope you told your wives you love them And your children too We are about to be swallowed by the ocean blue My good men at your stations For so long we have sailed Long days and long nights But the sea has prevailed All hands over board The bow is breaking The ocean blue knows There are lives for the taking Current Music: Misery Signals- Worlds and Dreams (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
9:04 pm	You only do this to yourself I had some things I was going to discuss last night but I did not get around to it, so naturally I was going to do it tonight. Some other things have come up so I'm going to focus on that first and if I have the time or the fortitude I will eventually get to what I originally wanted to talk about. It has been a habit of mine as my entries wear on I become less and less fluid, coherent, and the point of my ramblings becomes hidden by...my ramblings. I had changed into some clothes to work out in this evening, and threw my pants in the hamper. I had absent mindedly left my phone in the pocket of the pants I had removed. A decent amount of time later I had wondered "where is my phone?" Quickly realizing where it was, I retrieved it and was surprised to find 5 missed calls, a voice mail and a text message. As I was looking through the missed calls I only recognized one phone number, and that was Matt's. I dialed into my voice mail (anxious at this point to find out who the other callers were) and was astounded by the voice mail I heard. "Hey Tony, it's me, you didn't respond to my text and that's fine, but I just read your journal and you talked about me, and it's not fair." Her voice trailing off into a blur of tears and words she could barely choke out. Sarah. I didn't NOT respond to her text message...I hadn't gotten that far yet. So I read the text "Please take me out of your journal." I already hate being on the phone as it is, so I figured I would just text her back (which is more of a courtesy then she ever granted me when I needed to talk to her). "We all have to accept what may come due to the actions we make." I told her. "Tony you have your side on there. People see me differently now, oh that was your plan! You have my entire name on there and our conversations. Why?" Before I go on with where this conversation went, I would like to point out two things. First of all, I really don't know what difference it makes to say "Sarah did something." or "Sarah Harper did something." Everyone knows who I am, and anyone who knows me knows who she is already. I find it interesting that people will argue over the most minute details in pithy attempts to regain control of situations. Secondly, I was actually a little angry that she asked me why I wrote what I wrote. I know why she asked me why...Amazing how one three letter word can be so powerful, she was trying to evoke guilt. Unfortunately for her, I have none. Back to the conversation... "People don't see you differently because of what I said, people see you differently because of what you did. I did not say anything that wasn't true." (a point which she did not once refute) "What happened between you and I is none of anyone's business but you plastered it on the fucking internet." Translation: I did some really terrible things, and I can't face them, so I am upset that people know about it. The rest of the conversation isn't worth typing out, It's basically her complaining and swearing at me. I told her my journal is my outlet, she took everything from me (emotionally) I wasn't going to let her take my writing too. I don't know why I write, but I always have, and it looks like I always will. I only write when something moves me enough to speak on it. Sometimes it's anger, or fear, or love, or jealously, or happiness, or merely opinions. I always feel better after. And while Sarah quickly ran to Ian to fill her emotional void, I turn to my journal to patch the holes I have in my heart. Interestingly, in the post just before this one I talked about Kelli AND Sarah, mentioning that even though I don't know Kelli well, I could see her growing as a person and that I couldn't say the same for Sarah. Kelli responded to my journal with a level head and thoughtful insight (check the comments on that entry) and Sarah responded with nothing more then a flurry of childish emotions. I am not at all surprised. Although my original intent with my last two posts was not to slander Sarah publicly, on the contrary I doubted she would even read it. No the purpose of the journal was to express myself, and that is what I did. Since requesting the ring (which I most likely won't get now) I have made NO effort to contact Sarah, nor have I even discussed her with anyone in depth (it's hard to avoid the "Hey how is Sarah?!" moments with people I haven't seen in a while.) When it comes right down to it, I am writing this entry as a reaction...It is a reaction to the fact that we've been through everything we've been through, then she suddenly demands that I not mention her name. As if I have no right to discuss the events of my life, with whom I choose. As I often do, I shot Tom an IM, and he mentioned that he had received text messages from Sarah about my journal entry. I had forgotten that i had mentioned Tom and what he had said about Sarah. Apparently she was upset with him, yet what Tom had said time and time again is that she CANNOT be single, she moves from one guy to the next like she's changes a load of laundry from the washer machine to the drier. And as she is berating Tom about this, she is proving his point by being in a new relationship already (one that started BEFORE she was even done with me) and I have NO doubt that she tells Ian, the same things she told me. I actually feel bad for him, he seemed like a nice enough kid when I met him, and he's probably no wiser then me, and probably is letting himself love her, just as I did. And it's in this moment that I doubt Sarah does these things maliciously, no I think she does them out of ignorance and desperation. But I am tired of discussing this. Assuming she doesn't do or say anything outlandish this will be my final word on it, although in my mind I could imagine her attempting some sort of retaliation. I just can't imagine anything she would be bright enough to come up with though. _____________ What I had originally planned on talking about was suicide.... GASP! Is Tony suicidal?! No. It's going to take a lot to kill me...more then what I've got. What would you say to someone who hated their job? You would tell them to leave their job right? You would probably tell them to leave even if they enjoyed ONE day a month at their job. What would you tell a woman who is being beaten by her boyfriend? You would tell her to leave the relationship right? What if she argued that he can "sometimes be a good guy." Wouldn't you think her crazy, and foolish? You would still tell her to leave the relationship right? What if someone has more miserable days in their life then good ones? What if EVERYONCE in a while they have a good day, but most days they were depressed, and upset, and apathetic about existence. You wouldn't even consider telling them to off themselves would you? And if they mentioned it you would think them crazy, would you not? So I just ask this question: Why is a girl who wants to stay with a guy who beats her because occasionaly he is nice to her crazy, but a guy who is miserable with life most of the time would be crazy for wanting to end it? Current Music: Machete Avenue (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 19th, 2008
12:35 am	You will get yours This evening I truly learned the meaning of empathy and clairvoyance. Empathy is an interesting thing, because you can define it, but until you experience it, the line between empathy and sympathy seems very blurry. The idea of having to experience empathy to know what it is, is kind of quirky. The clairvoyance, well that is a feeling I wish I could have held onto to much, much longer. Unfortunately clairvoyance seems to be a rare and fleeting entity. Looking back at the majority of my life, I realize I have always felt the need to feel a certain way about everything I experience, like some kind of emotional response is necessary. I feel indifferent about tonight's events. Tonight along with Go T Master, I traveled to Keene State to retrieve a television he had given to his girlfriend Kelli. Since they have ended their relationship he has been up and down, no doubt reminding me of myself over this past months time. Go T, has always been one to have a rational sense of things, in fact he could be the antithesis of me, yet this time he seemed to be walking step for step in my path. As we drove to Keene and Nick talked about his situation, his feelings, his view point, and struggled with a phone conversation with Kelli, I hurt so badly for him, because I knew exactly what he was thinking, what he was feeling and they are no doubt painful thoughts and emotions. Strangely enough Nick need not tell me what it was Kelli was saying on the other end of the phone, I knew what she was saying. I knew because she was doing and saying exactly what I had heard Sarah say over the past few months. Fortunately for me seeing Nick in that way did not stir any painful emotions in me for Sarah. I think that is because there are no negative emotions left inside of me in regards to her. It was like someone flipped a light switch inside of me... The television we went to get is of no significance to Nick. He told me he will most likely throw it away. To him it was the principal he said. In that moment I realized although he was overly emotional, and not thinking 100% rationally, that in moments where you are most vulnerable you cling to your most basic of instincts. I realized that despite anything that has happened between Sarah and I, I treated her as best as I could, if that was not to her satisfaction, then she should not continue to reap the benefits of my effort (especially when those efforts are not matched in return). So as we got into Nick's car I texted Sarah. "Hey" "?" "Will you give me the ring?" "Ha oh wow, yup" "No need for the silly remarks, the yes was sufficient." "Fuck off, don't talk to me like I am a 5 year old. What is your address" "Do not act like a 5 year old and people will find no need to treat you as such. No I will not fuck off. I am looking forward to not being made to feel bad by you, I have done nothing wrong." and I gave her my address. She responded "Thank you" "You have nothing to thank me for yet. Maybe in 5 or 10 years, but not now." "Ok" and that was the end of it. I am indifferent to the thought that, that could be the last time I will ever hear from Sarah Harper ever again. Surely there will be moments when I think of her, but in my moment of clairvoyance this evening I realized how irrational human beings are due to their emotion. It did not matter that Sarah lied to me, nor that Kelli lied to Nick. It did not and does not matter that people will say they desire one thing, but pursue another. My time spent with Sarah (physically spent with her) was enjoyable, but after I had been nothing short of the best man I could have been, she decided to walk away. If she has no desire to share herself with me, that is entirely her right, but I think her a fool to not take the responsibilities for the repercussions of her actions. Those actions being using the word love, telling me she desires to live with me, telling me she desires to marry me, and finally and probably most overwhelmingly telling me she wants to bear my children. So when I heard Kelli chastising Nick for wanting to come get his things, for desiring to talk to her, I could hear Sarah's voice. Both very young girls, so lost within themselves. Why did they act surprised when we were upset and struggled to deal with the love lost? Why did they respond to our expressions of care, with anger? Because at this point in their life they simply lack the empathy necessary to reach forward in a responsible way. Whether it was a precursor to the relationship (holding back feelings) or being more open and honest about the reasons why they would like to discontinue the relationship, both failed miserably. Though I know Kelli not nearly as well as Sarah, I can forsee her someday having that empathy, Sarah I have my doubts. Yet if Sarah does obtain it, that is the day she can thank me. And I could see Nick holding onto a small thread of hope that Kelli will once again want him. I could hear it in his voice, and I could identify it because his voice sounded like mine only weeks ago, when after Sarah cost me money, and lied to me about several things I still found myself apologizing to her. Why? Because I was afraid that if I treated her how she deserved to be treated she would see me as cruel, and it would shatter any chance of us being together again, and then when that light switch was flipped, I realized that I hope I am never with her again, that I would never be so foolish. Perhaps if she leaves the person she is today, then maybe there is a possibility, but I do not see her progressing much as a person. I love to challenge people, and I love people to challenge me, and anytime I tried to engage her in any thought provoking type of conversation I was shot down with "don't talk to me like you're my father" or such a lack of interest I had no reason to move forward. Not that I ever once talked to her in a condescending way, she just lacked the ability to notice I was asking for her opinion. Her interpretation was I was talking down to her, when I was merely putting questions on the table through spoken thought. So what is all of this about? At this point it seems as though this entry was merely for the purpose of nay saying mine and Nick's girlfriends. On the contrary, this journal entry is about me. This is about how I need not to think of myself in relation to other people, instead in relation to the me of yesterday. It was in this moment that I realized how silly voting is. How seriously people take their candidate is outstanding (and admittedly I find it a bit comical as well) So many dollars, hours, and efforts spent for one day where people will make a small notation on a paper, as if that notation is going to decide their fate. No doubt the President will have an effect on every American's life (and possibly some non-Americans as well) But people act as if their candidate doesn't win, their lives are over. If people put as much stock in improvin the small things about themselves on a daily basis as they did in who they were voting for, it would further dimish the impact the government has on it's people. Meaning at the end of the day I don't give a damn who is running this country, because I am going to do what I have set out to do, and that is an ever evolving goal. If there comes a time where I need to take arms against the goverment, or a threatening force, so be it. If there comes a time when I must act as a part of the government, then so be it. I will follow which ever path I see as the morally sound one, and I am open to opinions as to which path fits that desciption. And I could close my eyes tonight, never to open them again, and while I feel that would leave me with a lot of unfinished work, I would think it not a tragedy because I know that with everything that I did, I did it to the best of my ability, even if at some times I wasn't pointed in the right direction. I hope for all the best things in the world for myself, and for Nick, and for all those other people for whom I care. For Sarah and Kelli, I am indifferent. I can see the days ahead where they are nothing more then distant memories in our minds, and their lives are left to make of it what they will, I cannot take responsibility for their actions. Current Music: Of Sinking Ships (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 14th, 2008
8:53 pm	Harpooned I just deleted the first line that I wrote. Strange, because I never do that. This is one of those moments where I am writing not to share a point or an idea, but because my heart is in a bit of turmoil, and really I just feel like I need to talk about it. So I apologize in advance for the moments to follow, and their meaningless to your life. My life is so different today from four months ago. Four months ago I was just a personal trainer at a gym, a college student, a boyfriend, a motorcycle rider, and a writer. I can't even bring myself to write what I am now for fear of how scarce it would look on paper (digital paper of course). I can't say that everything is bad. I feel so free. I haven't felt like this in over three years. Not because I am single, that isn't it at all. No, in reality it is because I am no longer employed by Planet Fitness. Three years with no vacation time, no sick days, no personal days, no paid holidays, no benefits, and terrible pay. Strange that I stayed their so long. I suppose I was addicted to the social aspect of it, which I think ultimately may have scarred me a bit. Surely I would not have ever met Keisha nor Sarah, which is potentially two of the worst things that have ever happened to me. At some point within the last 4 months I realized I have been defining myself soley based on my relationship with Amy. She was the first girl I ever fell hard for. Since then I've either been too picky, or too head over heals with people, and it is rather foolish. Amy and I get along great now, and I don't even think of her in a romantic regard, yet what took place in that relationship is an all too common happening in the world of dating (at least at this age). I don't fault her for anything, she is, (just as I am) a victim of adolescence, and uncertainty. My track record since Amy has been nothing short of a revolving door. Hard to swallow, but no one else is going to be completely honest with me, so I might as well be honest with myself. I have an unending desire to better myself, and at times I wonder how much I have actually progressed. Emotional and true intellectual progression can be difficult to measure or summize. I would say that I have improved a great deal in letting people be who they will be. Meaning I no longer expect people to be this entity of amazingness, I just love people for who they are. Originally I saw holding people to this high standard a personal flaw of mine, one I was happy to overcome, though since then it has simply led me to more heart ache then I could have possibly imagined. It's as if the moment I stopped nitpicking people's flaws, they began nitpicking mine. And that unfortunately completely destroys my ego, one which, despite my best efforts still remains fully intact. Unfortunately in real life, there are no true "bad guys." Everything is just relative. I would love to say I'm morally in the clear in recent times, but that is not completely true. There are no doubt things I could have done differently. Friday night I found out that Sarah is dating a kid who worked for her at the marina named Ian. Sarah and I have been broken up exactly one month, today (just realized that this moment). Ian goes to school in New York. She swears up and down, back and forth that us breaking up had NOTHING to do with Ian, despite the parties she attended at his house, afternoons on his boat, and basically spending every day with him all summer. Amazingly days before he departs for college, they fall in love and begin their romance....yeah right. She told me that she didn't cheat on me. Perhaps not in a physical regard, but one thing is for sure the moment you begin to develop an emotional connection with someone other then your boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to pull the plug. These things are mostly like band-aids, do it quick, and do it fast, the longer you let it sit, the longer the glue is going to sink into the skin and the hair, and the worse it's going to hurt when you pull it off. Now I know what it is like to have amazing connections with people, I've been lucky to have a few myself (too few it seems, though they are addicting) and I know that it is rarely a force that one can control, but I think what bothers me in all of this is Sarah's lack of trust in ME. This was mostly developed by Keisha Baker. There was a time when I had guilt in my heart for things that had happened between Keisha and I...now the only thing is pity for her. Pity not because I broke her heart, pity because of how hard she tries to negatively effect my life, despite the fact that I have nothing to do with her, and feel completely indifferent about the events of her life. Keisha's heart is filled with so much hatred for me that she continually fabricates lies and rumors about me, to tell to Sarah. As if Keisha is some updated informant who is aware of all the happenings in my life. The idea of it is laughable, but on multiple occasions she has contacted Sarah to tell her about things I supposedly said or did. Even when I was living in PA, working 10 hours a day, and speaking to no one but customers and Sarah on the phone before bed, Keisha would still be updating her with information. Honestly it made me feel helpless because Sarah would believe her. What was I to do? These were bold faced lies; lies that I had no defense against. You cannot prove that something did not happen, because there is no evidence of something that didn't happen. So here I was alone, mostly miserable, working my ass off so I could provide a legitamate life for my girl friend who talked of marrying me, who talked of bearing my child. I kept to myself, and tried to find simple pleasures in day to day life, mean while my girlfriend is surrounded by her friends, and family, and taking me for granted all the while. Simply put, Keisha Baker demands an immense amount of attention in a relationship, attention I was not willing to give. She responded negatively to it, and I equally so. When she cried out for love, there is no doubt I was calous, but never did I betray her, though she talks now as if I was some psycho abusive rapist, who cheated on her on a regular basis. Such is not the case. When I met Sarah I felt as though we were on the same page. "Finally!" I thought. Someone I could be myself with, I didn't have to put on a show, nor did I have to be pestered by someone who is just starved for attention. Sarah was so convicing when I moved that everything was going to be great, that our love for each other was so strong that 8 hours of distance was nothing! Our love didn't even last 3 months. I was imprisoned in PA, yet being looked at with untrusting eyes. I remember very clearly the night Sarah and I broke up. It was the night before she was supposed to fly down to visit me. Oddly enough I was the one who brought up the fact that she was acting strange. I just had a gut feeling that something was wrong, she hadn't said anything strange, or out of place. Just a gut feeling. I remember she cried, and I asked her why she was crying, and she said "I don't want to regret this." I knew two things in that moment: Her heart at that point belonged to someone else, and that she wouldn't regret it. I knew she woudln't regret it not because I think I suck, but instead because I know she is too ignorant to regret it. She's already fallen for someone else, and if this doesn't workout, it will simply be someone after him, and so on and so forth, until eventually I am just a distant memory. I know if she was reading this right now, she would be through the roof with anger. I hate to admit it, but I am absolutely jealous of her. I am jealous that she had this amazing summer having this great connection with this person, while I was miserable all summer, waiting to continue the connection I thought I had with her. That makes me jealous, and it makes me feel terribly foolish. Fortunately I am not jealous of Keisha Baker. Keisha since departing my life has been attatched at the hip to Matt O'Conner, yet she spends so much of her time and thoughts consumed with me. Love me or hate me, either way you cannot stop thinking about me, Keisha. Just so you know, I'm not flattered. She even went as far as too tell Sarah that Loki was "our" dog, unfortunately I got Loki with my dad this past Christmas, months and months after Keisha and I had ceased communication. She also then went on to buy her new boyfriend a cat, and name the animal Loki. I know surely there will be a day when I will vaguely remember what Keisha's face even looks like, or who she is, but I wonder if there will ever be a day where she will be over me enough to stop hating and loving me dually. I wish her not a moment of harm, but wouldn't shed a tear if her life was ripped from this realm. So what of Sarah...I know I will get over her. It has certainly been up and down over the past four weeks, but I would say there are more ups then downs. Tom Ryan told me when I first called involved with her, that she was a bit crazy, and she hadn't been single for more then 15 minutes since he's known her (which is a long time). He was right. It hurts deeply to know the things Sarah said to me, the things that pull at your heart strings, only for her to so quickly change her mind. I guess I shouldn't hold it against her, that's "who she is." That is something she would always say "that's JUST who he is." Most often when talking about someone's flaws. The old me would have let certain things about Sarah drive me insane. In a way I wish I was the old me, I probably would have pushed her out of my life, long before she had the chance to push me out of hers. We got in yet another argument this weekend. Mostly because whenever I try to talk to her about anything serious she shuts up and it drives me insane. She told me never to talk to her again (which I am fine with) but I asked her one last question..."Do you love me?" she replied "I loved you with all of my heart, and a part of me always will." And in that moment I felt incredibly sad for her. She is still so convinced that she actually loved me, that I wasn't just some being fulfilling a need for the "right now." So in the end it's just another chapter in the book of my life. Each chapter written seems to become more and more intense, and I wonder if is ever going to climax, and eventually decline. There are a lot of things I have to be happy about, and there is a lot of work ahead of me, and the childish ego in me, desires so badly to be better then those who have taken from me what I thought was rightfully mine, but I need to realize such things are insignificant, and it is a waste of time to wish harm nor happiness upon anyone, but instead I just need to do what I feel is best for me, and for the ethics of my life. Current Music: TREOS- Pale Blue Dot (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 21st, 2008
11:56 pm	Eternity will never be enough for me I wrote two things tonight. Neither I finished. One was a letter, one was a legacy. Neither I finished. One I erased, one I saved to complete at a later date. Neither I finished. One was to you, from me, one was by you, for me. Neither I finished. (Comment on this)