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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in a4play's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2012
10:59 pm
I'm hunched over piles of cardboard boxes. Sifting through books with wilted pages and dusted covers. Hard to believe I've read every single one of these books. I always hated the library. I liked to keep the books I've read as souvenirs. As if the more books I read the better a person I would be. In my juvenile mind at some point I would show someone all the books I had read, and they would be unbelievably impressed with me. Now they are just taking up space in boxes, being read by no one.

It was only a few minutes of searching before I realized my hands were starting to smell musty. No worry, I found the book I was looking for. More specifically I was looking for a bit of inspiration to see me through a particular situation. "Words I wish I wrote" by Robert Fulghum. It's a collection of writing that inspired him. I remember that collection inspiring me, so I wanted to reread it. The introduction is about Fulghum's personal belief system, and how he has rewritten it many times. The idea of "pentimento" when an artist paints over a previously used canvas and then the original artwork shows through.

It's been a long time since I've put pen to paper, or fingers to keys in this fashion. I've been deterred by the futility of it for quite some time. At this point literally billions of "blogs" are written, and never even forgotten, because they were never read. But in the end, what's the point of starting over, when everything that came before, no matter how pointless or pathetically unrelenting is part of the story. 

So enjoy the irony of inspiration from inspiration from works written by people who weren't even the people who inspired the works. 

Why was I even writing in the first place? Oh yeah that's right I thought I was going to save the world. Forget if I can or not. That doesn't even matter. I can always try. But is it worth it? Too many people, the world is over saturated with people trying to save each other, and a bunch of people that don't give a f---. The people trying to save everyone are fighting each other because no one can agree on what needs to be saved anyway. 

This is a resurrection, even if just a temporary one. It doesn't make me feel like it used to. No point in putting pen to paper just to make yourself feel important. 
Saturday, September 10th, 2011
1:12 am
Every once in a great while, that is, when I am actually out late enough, which is rare, I get a glimpse of the wild world that sleeps in the shadows of the forest during daylight. The creatures that come out only at night; The deer, the bear, the raccoon, and exclusive to my neighborhood, the three legged fox. How long he's been without one of his limbs is unknown to me, but I first saw him 3 years ago, scampering into the woodline from the open road fleeing from the sight of my headlights. 

At first it was sadness that struck my heart upon seeing him. How terrible it must be to live without a vital piece such as a leg. Never have I ever seen him with another fox, companion or offspring. I could only imagine the treacherous trap which most likely claimed his limb, where is the rest of his family? Were they not fortunate enough to escape?

More encounters yielded the same thing, a quick glimpse of the off cadence gallop as our survivor evaded danger. And every time my chest sank with sympathy. How cruel this world, how cruel our devices that destroy the natural order of things. But one evening all of these thoughts changed. It wasn't until one evening that I saw Mr. Fox standing proud at the side of the road, staring me down, his prey hanging dead in his mouth that I realized that even though I felt bad for him, he didn't feel bad for himself. He was going to eat well tonight, it wasn't the first time, and it wasn't going to be the last. Despite this devastating injury, Mr. Fox, Mr. Pegleg, Mr. Tripod did what he had to do to survive. His predatory body designed for four limbs, but he could still kill with three. When his precious front leg was crushed and torn from his body he could have laid down to die, but he got up to live.

What's more is this amazing little creature did so without doctors, without pain medications, without physical therapy, he's managed to live, to hunt, to survive, without prosthesis, without a support group telling him "he could do it," without a google search to find instructions on how to manage his symptoms, without care takers to make sure he's safe and fed. No, instead he survived because he wanted to. Because he fought for it. Because giving up just wasn't an option.

When it comes right down to it, it makes you think about how pampered we are as a society. Have a runny nose? Run to the ER. Want to be thinner? Take this pill. Engorged yourself to the point where it's uncomfortable to walk? Ride this electric wheelchair. It's not your fault, the government can help, it hurts? Run away. It's hard? Do it tomorrow.

With one less limb Mr. Fox has to work twice as hard just to get by, just to get the same result he used to get before he lost his leg. I highly doubt he sits around feeling sorry for himself. I doubt he's bitter about it. In fact if Mr. Fox spent anytime sulking, he'd have been someone else's lunch by now. And now he's probably twice the predator he used to be. His skills now refined, and exact. Every time we quit when it gets hard, it weakens us. Every time we medicate a flaw, we're just sawing off one of our own legs. Every time we hold our hand out for a freebie we're teaching ourselves how to be helpless. And we get so lost in all the things that matter not to our well being, our strength, and our survival, that we forget how to manage the things that count the most.

Now when I see those eyes glowing in the night's black cloak, I smile, and I cheer. You're a bad ass Mr. Fox. And you don't do it to impress, you don't do it for praise, you don't do it for any other reason because you weren't willing to lay down and die. That is heart. That is true desire. That is a fire that won't be stomped out. We should all be a little bit more like Mr. Fox. If he can make it missing a limb, how much can we do with all of our parts?
Saturday, January 8th, 2011
8:16 pm
Rants/Tony's Winter Driving tips/A nation of pansies
Having commuted in the snow recently here are some tips for the rest of the world, because they seem to be having trouble:

1. Turn on your head lights. I know that it's easier to drive by the illumination of the street lamps rather than your head lights gleaming into the snow coming at your car, but it makes it very difficult for the rest of us to see you.

2. Turn off your hazard lights. I understand that plow trucks have flashing hazard lights...but that's because they are plowing, which kicks up a lot of snow and makes them hard to see even at a short distance. The last thing I need in a snow storm is your douchey car blinding me with flashing lights refracting off of the snow.

3. 4x4/AWD Only helps you go in the snow, it doesn't help you stop. It's true that AWD can also help you turn, but that's only if you know how to use it, and you don't. Slow the f*ck down.

4. Don't use your brakes. If you want to slow down, use throttle control (I understand you probably don't even know what that is, but...) Braking will only cause you to decrease the control you have over your car. Ease off the throttle if you want to slow down. This is true even when coming to a stop sign or red light, you should have rolled off the throttle in anticipation of both of those situations. Braking will cause you to slow at a rate faster than others depending on their vechile/tires, and that's when accidents happen. Aside from a small child running out in front of you, there should be no reason to use your brakes.

5. Throttle thru snow pull. If the snow is sucking you towards the side of the road, don't slam on yuor brakes, don't even take your foot off the gas. Instead, gently squeeze the throttle and lightly steer in the direction you want to go.

6. 2WD until you get stuck. If you have a 4x4 vehicle run it in two wheel until you absolutely need all four wheels to get power. If you just slap it in 4x4 in the drive way, and then your dumbass gets stuck...what do you do then?

The New America is a weak America:
There seems to be a lot of cases arising lately showing a complete lack of gumption, and spine from my fellow countrymen. First of all let's take a look at the case of a Navy captain getting discharged for making "inappropriate videos" intended to entertain sailors, and boost morale on the ship. Let's look at the facts:

1. Many of the gags in the videos were straight out of Caddy Shack. I'm pretty sure no one would have a problem with showing Caddy Shack to the crew... so why were the captain's amateurish re-enactments of the skit seen as unacceptable and offensive?

2. For a long time the military has had a "don't ask, don't tell policy." The films were scrutinized for having "gay slurs." Essentially the captain filmed different versions of himself. From what I've seen, he never made fun of anyone but himself in the video, and for so long the military has had such a stupid policy on gay/lesbian politics, I find it hypocritical that they want to be so PC about it now.

3. Many of the sailors said they looked forward to the videos on deployment. Yeah that's right...it gave these young men and women some light hearted entertainment while they were risking their lives. Let's take that away from them, and punish the guy who gave it to them.

If they didn't want the videos shown, tell him. End of story. But this guy lost his job. F*cking pathetic. Yah these people are at war, and could possibly be asked to take another human life, but heaven forbid they watch a home made video pretending to have to men shower together. ZOMG.

Next, I hear on the radio that a school in NH is being scrutinized for handing out safe sex packets to students, and there was an item inside that outraged parents.
The item was?

A. Condoms
B. Lube
C. Birth Control
D. Vibrators

If you guessed lubrication, you would be correct. Parents were outraged because there was lubricant included in the "safe sex" kits, along with Condoms and some other random garbage. Let's look at the facts:

1. There is no age requirement for the purchase of lubrication. That's right, if a 10 year old wants to go buy some lube, he can. You can get it wal-mart, CVS, Wal-greens, the gas station, the grocery store. So it's not like these HIGH SCHOOL KIDS, can't get some lube if they want it.

2. Lubrication does make sex unsafe. Okay so there is lube in the kit...so what? How does this effect sex? Do parents think this is going to entice their kids to have sex? Probably not...they are already enticed enough.

3. Why was there lube in the kit? I don't know...maybe because lubrication can make sex fun, and hey why not associate something cool like lube, with something not so cool, like condoms...Trying to make "safe sex" the cool thing to do. I know that's a crazy idea.

When it comes right down to it, the schools shouldn't really be taking care of this, the parents should be, but parents are these days are f*cking pansies, that don't want to take responsibility for anything, and want to baby their child until their 30 years old. When I was 17 and in high school I knew the difference between right and wrong, why? Because my parents weren't f*ck ups, that's why. ZOMG LUBE, THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END, LET'S SUE THE SCHOOL. DISGUSTING.

And lastly we have the case of a UFC fighter after winning a fight being asked who he'd like to fight next. His answer? Obama. He said he didn't agree with Obama's policies and would love a chance to change them, and jokingly stated would like to fight him. A week later he was being paid a visit by the FBI because some noodle who worked on Obama's campaign called Washington said there was a threat made by the fighter against Obama's safety. Facts:

1. It's not illegal to say you want to fight someone.  What more is there to say here?

2. The question was contextual. Clearly the fighter could not fight Obama if the president wasn't an active fighter in the UFC.

3. Calling the FBI accomplishes nothing. Clearly the person who made the call was just trying to take a stab at the opposing party. They clearly knew there was no threat to the president, and what did they think was going to happen when the FBI showed up at this guy's door? Well here is what happened:
"Hey did you say this stuff?"
"Okay, sorry to bother you."

It seems like every day we are taking steps closer to a PC and pussified America. It disgusts me. Every day we have more and more laws to protect us from OURSELVES. Our government decides for us what we can or cannot handle. How is anyone comfortable with that? If anything it just makes me want to be more offensive than I truly am. I know I'm not alone, but we need to find a way to revert this bullsh*t.

I planned on having a great closing to this post, but as usual, as I write about this stuff I just get more and more pissed, and my writing goes to sh*t


Saturday, October 2nd, 2010
9:59 pm
The heavens clap
Change is good. Some people hate it, and in general it's easy to get comfortable with a routine. Habits are hard to break. Sometimes your life gets shaken up. You wake up in a place you never even knew existed, meeting people and interacting with lives that you couldn't even imagine, and life seems so surreal. Your perspectives on things are changed. It's hard to see things for what they really are when you are so close to a situation, sometimes you have to be pulled away from that situation to see what kind of damage it was doing. Not that I care, but it's also good to see people getting what they deserve, and it's also funny to see those who are incapable of taking responsibility repeating their same mistakes over again. Total lack of self awareness.

I feel alive again. This is a dream I don't want to wake up from.
Sunday, September 12th, 2010
8:21 pm
Modern times got me feeling so hateful
This weekend was a lesson in perceptions. It's entertaining to see the reactions of those who's sense of reality has been shaken a bit, when someone doesn't give them the response they are used to getting. I don't know what it is about being provocative that I enjoy so much. I feel like I've learned a lot through life by being challenged, maybe I'm just trying to do the same for other people. I love to teach, and I love to teach by directing people not by handing them the answers, mostly because there is never one sure answer in anything, but rather just our interpretation of things.

For me, I was reminded of a perspective that I've known before, but seemed to have forgotten. That there are wonderful people in this world. There are those who strive to better themselves, and who are passionate. It put into perspective that a large majority of the people around me are so tunnel visioned that it is infecting my own potential. This weekend also reminded me that doing is much more powerful than saying. For the past 8 months I've heard a lot of talk, but I haven't seen much action. When your world is built on nothing but talk, your foundation can easily crumble. Unwanted words from any direction will have a deep impact on you, when they shouldn't. I was also reminded of my brashness, which I quite enjoy.

I was once told by someone that I was both the sweetest and cruelest person in the world. I would say that's believable. I give a lot of myself, but if I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, used, or abused, I lash out very hard. But why not? It removes any confusion about how I feel, and you will always get what you deserve.

I also recently encountered something I'm completely unfamiliar with. I'm not sure what to call it...There are certain people who have been here so long, and they are so used to things being a certain way that they can't handle it when someone doesn't go along with their ideas of what is to be done and said. The worst part is the weird gang mentality associated with these people, who's supporters are ready to riot at any chance without considering the consequences of their actions, or the path that their peers took to reach a breaking point. I'm talking about people who on the surface look like fully functioning adults, but are really just puppets, helpless little minds, barely capable of producing rational or logical thought without the puppeteering of their parents and other equally friends in their social network.

I stand alone in my battles. I take responsibility for my actions, and I don't pick fights. This should be the norm, but it seems to be quite the exception. I'm not special, there is no reason why others cannot be like this.

At the end of all of this I sit here amazed that after giving so much of myself I'm so easily mistreated by certain people, yet those people still embrace those who have stabbed them in the back, and willingly attempted to harm them. It's all well and good though, because those castles will crumble, and I'll have been removed from those circles, safe from their self-tortures and helplessness. Those people have to live out the rest of their lives as themselves, and I couldn't think of any worse thing for them.

I'm abandoning your sinking ships.
Saturday, July 10th, 2010
5:48 pm
I broke my hand

I’m going to cut to the chase right now: This is about dropping knowledge on people who think they have what it takes to be a personal fitness trainer, or are in any way qualified, when they’re not.

As someone who has spent a lot of time inside of a gym I’ve always seen the admiration in new member’s eyes when they see that guy or gal that is super ripped. “I want them to train me.” Being fit has absolutely nothing to do with being a good trainer. Buckle up, because I’m about to school you.

Most people spend the majority of their fitness life training themselves one way. Unfortunately how you like to train doesn’t do you much good, because as a trainer your clients will have their own goals, which will be entirely separate from you want to do. You may think they should train like you, but that doesn’t’ really matter, what matters is what they want to accomplish. Are you prepared to help someone improve their vertical jump? How about increase their absolute strength? (1RM for those not in the “know”) How about properly perform a barbell snatch? Someone wants to become more flexible, can you do that without degrading their connective tissue? So you’re a really fit guy, how is that going to help you gauge what a 48 year old clinically obese (do you know what constitutes as clinically obese?) woman is capable of and what is appropriate training for her?

Okay so let’s say you’ve managed to acknowledge and identify your clients goals, are you now qualified to assess their current state and determine how far away from those goals they are? Do you know how to administer a V02 max test? Do you know which exercises to select to test speed, strength, and endurance? How about range of motion? Even if you Google the tests, do you know what to do with the data?

We will assume you have now measured their current physical abilities; can you scientifically plan a program that will safely get them to their goals? What do you know about programming? Do you understand basic concepts of cyclic and undulating periodization? Do you even know what periodization is? Following a program that you found in a magazine for yourself isn’t going to help you plan a program for someone else.

If you get a program in order, is there anything that will keep your client from participating in that program? Postural issues? Do you know how to correct a protracted shoulder girdle? How about someone with posterior pelvic tilt issues? Let’s say you prescribe squats in your clients program and they have difficulty hitting parallel without raising their heals off of the ground. Can you tell me if that’s a hip issue, back issue, ankle issue, or just poor form? If your client cannot perform horizontal abduction of their left arm are you prepared to work around that? Having big pecs doesn’t really help you modify movements so your client can safely exercise.

Everyone’s got their own personal problems. We’ve all got stuff that stresses us out. Me? I’ve got my problems, plus the problems of every single person that comes into my gym. A lot of your clients are going to be self conscious about their bodies. Do you know how to properly motivate them without making them feel worse about themselves? You really love exercise right? Are you prepared to talk about a myriad of topics completely unrelated to exercise? Because your clients are going to vent to you about their personal lives. How about when you try to get a client to change something about their form on a particular movement, and they don’t…are you capable of identifying what it is about your explanation they don’t understand, and modify what you said so they better understand what you want? Can you identify if they are having trouble properly performing an exercise because they lack the CNS control (do you know what the CNS is?) or if there is a joint issue that needs to be addressed?

You’re a gym rat, right? An exercise addict? Are you prepared to add in a lot of variety to your clients program to keep them motivated and interested? How about educate them on how to live outside of their time with you? To you exercise might be straight forward, and simple, are you prepared to field a plethora of seemingly “stupid” questions about diet and exercise? Are you ready to fight the uphill battle against the media?

This is just the tip of the iceberg for what it takes to be a decent trainer.  I could go on forever, but you probably get the point. The fact of the matter is, being lean, and having 18 inch biceps doesn’t mean you know a damn thing about fitness or how to safely or properly help someone accomplish their fitness goals. Having a healthy diet for yourself doesn’t qualify you to give others a meal plan or nutritional guidance. Exercise is an umbrella, and under that umbrella is a large group of sciences such as anatomy, physiology, kinesiology, biochemistry, biomechanics, and nutrition. There is a reason qualified professionals learn these sciences, because in one way or another, we do use them every day. Depending on the client and the situation, some are used more than others. Being a good trainer has more to do with having a passion for helping people, and being able to objectively analyze people’s abilities, and current fitness level.

Thursday, June 24th, 2010
11:19 am
Naked photos?!

Writing. What a beautiful thing. Why I don’t do it more often is beyond me. Why doesn’t everyone write? I understand not everyone is “good” at it, but that doesn’t mean they can’t reap the benefits of expressing themselves. For me it’s a playful game carefully crafting words together to make people’s hearts beat just a little faster, to make their mind stir, and to spark the fire of their own imaginations. Few things make me happier than when someone says “you know, I read what you wrote the other day and it really made me think about _____”

I guess I just like to influence people, that’s why I do what I do in the gym. I like to push people to their limits, physically, and sometimes emotionally (people close to me can probably attest to that). I don’t know why. I just do. Writing makes me feel better when I’m upset, it makes me proud when I write something really great, and it helps me realize things about myself I previously was not aware of. What a great gift it is, to communicate uninterrupted. That is what it is to write.

I am afraid however, that my dear love is in danger. Our fast paced “I need it now” world is crushing what little life was left in literature (alliteration anyone?) When you can get pictures, videos, music, and just about any other conceivable piece of media instantly on your phone (which fits into your pocket), who has time for reading? And these days when we do take the time to write, it’s typically through a key board (of this I am guilty too, obviously) which means no words are actually taking to life on paper, and as such with our “yesterday is too late” life styles, the abbreviations run rampant.

Now I know this seems like the same old song and dance. I’m sure I’m not the first person to write a rant about the death of writing, and the overpowering presence of the digital world, but that doesn’t mean I want to sit in silence about it. I want my friends and family to know how I feel. I want them to fight back against it. I want them to pick up an actual book and read it. I want them to take a piece of paper and actually write something on it, and then show it to somebody. A poem, a quote, a thought, a story, whatever. Who cares? Does it matter?

Writing has been there for me during all the tough times, all the emotional and physical battles, writing was there. Writing has saved relationships, and started new ones for me. Writing has helped me say things I normally may not have been able to say, and even at times has pushed people away from me, which is okay, because it helped me see who people truly are.

Some day there will be nothing left of me but a pile of dirt, and someone is going to have to read something I wrote to keep my spirit alive. I don’t want people to see a picture, or a video. Those things are too telling. When you read, you have to imagine the characters in your mind, and it’s all the more fun that way. Writing leaves the magic in the story. It scares me to think of a world with no magic left in it. Some things are better left unknown. Who doesn’t love a good mystery? Isn’t that the “tall, dark and handsome” thing girls like? Isn’t mystery liking a girl with a little bit left on to “leave something to the imagination?”

I hope to be far greater than I could have ever imagined, but I hope people imagine me to be far greater than I was. Not because I want people to admire me, but because it gives people the hope they need to strive to be better themselves.

Sunday, June 20th, 2010
1:59 pm
Remembering Bike Week 2010
Having grown up with a father who is a motorcycle fanatic, attending Laconia bike week festivities has been along time tradition for me. It's interesting to think about how it's changed for me over the years. Naturally the people watching at Weirs beach has always been a fun part of it, but it was always about going to the races. Since the AMA skipped out on Loudon years back, bike week has turned into more of a "lol wut?" type of thing. Here are some observations from this years bike week.

1. Where did all the sluts go?
If I can't enjoy some good professional motorcycle racing, I at least want some slutty girls to look at. You know exactly the type of girls I'm talking about, the ones that in your mind you're saying "yeah I totally would." but if the opportunity actually presented itself you'd probably vomit on yourself at the thought of the cotton swab at the clinic that is sure to follow.

2. The reaffirmation of a long known fact: Hot chicks love d-bags. I have a hard time believing that these girls can honestly ride in perched on the back of some clown's "wicked fast bike brah." and not notice the 100s of other dudes with the same shitty haircuits, sunglasses, and tattoos. I mean really how do these girls see these clones of their "man" and not think "wow, my boyfriend is a fucking lemming." How do these girls even discern from their boyfriend and some other random douche when walking back to their table in a bar after going to the bathroom? I think that's why these meatheads wear sports jerseys out, that way the can be identified by number. "Hey babe, we gotta hit another bar, there is some other guy wearing a Garnett Jersey."

3. If you don't know how to ride it, chrome it! There was a point in time where people actually bought sport bikes (aka "crotch rockets" for those who aren't up on things) for their performance value. Laughing at all the Harley riders shiny toy bikes at their lack of horsepower and handling. It seems the new fashion however is to take a machine that companies like Yamaha, Suzuki and Honda have spent years and millions of dollars developing to be razor sharp performance machines, and dousing them in "bling." and then riding them around in 1st gear up and down the strip. Oh yeah, and you gotta make sure you have a matching helmet so it looks good strapped to the side of your bike, you know, to protect the side of your bike...

4. Not crashing>Looking cool: Inevitabley I always witness at least one digger at bike week. I get to laugh about it, because usually no one is seriously injured. There are usually three reasons for one of these low speed mishaps. 1. some weekend warrior wannabe dentist just bought his first motorcycle: A big dog super stretched chopper! Complete with 400 rear tire and 130ci motor! Dude, learn how to ride a bicycle first. 2. They're drunk. 3. They're so busy looking to make sure everyone notices how cool they are, they didn't see that...oh shit, that looks like it hurt.

4A. What do to if your buddy does crash: Well let's first let's talk about what you don't do. You (and everyone else) do not pull over and then just stand in the middle of the road staring at the crashed biker, blocking the remainder of room that would allow all the cars sitting in the middle of the intersection to pass by. You also don't pick the bike up and put it on the kick stand right in the middle of the road, once again blocking traffic. Here is what you do: 1. Assign someone to attend the fallen rider, 2. Assign someone to attend the fallen bike and move it the fuck out of the way, 3. Assign someone to call 911 if necessary. 4. ASSIGN SOMEONE TO DIRECT TRAFFIC YOU FUCKING MORONS. At this point you may have gathered I'm referring to a very particular situation, turning left onto rt. 3 from Exit 20 on 93N a biker crashed in the left lane (note, that there are two lanes there) so the left lane was occupied, multiple cars stopped, and everyone who emerged from said cars just stood there staring at the dude, in the right lane. Sweet.

5. Your can-am spyder is not a motorcycle, sorry. Yeah those are lame. You aren't cool, you're not a motorcyclist, get bent.

6. Bike week is a lot like Las Vegas. Yea not really. In Vegas everyone is drunk, and happy. At bike week everyone is drunk, and dirty. let's do a little comparison.

In Vegas you look at them because they are hot
At bike week you look at them because they aren't wearing any clothes

In Vegas you don't know what people are saying because there are a lot of forgeingers
At bike week you don't know what people are saying because you don't speak scumbag

In Vegas there are Ferraris, Bugattis, High end Benz, and Lamborghinis
At bike week there are, Harleys, and Harleys, and Harleys, a can am spyder, and  Harleys

In Vegas the bars are awesome, the cocktail waitresses are stunning, and the music is good.
At Bike week the cocktail waitresses have no teeth, and you better love Drowning Pool.

In Vegas people want to take a picture for you, because they are on vacation too and understand you want memories
At bike week people want to take a picture for you so they can put an image of you in their mental spank bank

7. Being in a bar vs. Being on the street
: To be honest I'm perfectly content with walking the strip, checking out the bikes, eating some shitty pizza that will probably give me aids, and then just sitting down and party watching. This year I did what everyone else seems to do: Bar hop. FAIL! If you want a couple of drinks, hey that's fine. But standing in a bar all night is fucking lame at bike week. Just too close to too many gross people, too much shitty music, and let's face it, I can sit in a bar all night any time I want. I don't need a special fucking occasion for it.

All in all this bike week seemed much more tame than years past. Perhaps each year it just gets a bit more mild. Both Friday and Saturday night I rode in with little to no traffic, and was able to find a parking spot on my first pass. It seems long gone are the days of waiting on the hill for 45 minutes, having to shut my bike off because it's burning up my legs. Maybe people just assumed this years weather was going to suck like it has for the past five years straight, and didn't bother to come up. Either way it was mildly amusing, and I'm sure I'll be back there next year.
Saturday, June 5th, 2010
1:30 pm
Here is a list of albums released in 2010 that I have acquired
Green= Highly recommended
Purple=It Sucks
Red=I Haven't listened to it yet

1. Act As One- No Looking Back (Punk)
2. Aeon- Path of Fire (metal)
3. Alcest- Ecailles De Lune (Black metal)
4. Alesana- The Emptiness (metalcore)
5. AM Conspiracy- Am Conspiracy (Hard-rock)
6. Anarbor- The Words You Don't Swallow (Rock/Pop-Punk)
7. The Appreciation Post- Work/Sleep (pop-punk)
8. Architect- Consume Adapt Create (electronica)
9. Army of the Pharaohs- The Unholy Terror (Rap)
10. Arsis- Starve for the Devil (metal)
11. As Hell Retreats- Revival (metal)
12. As I Lay Dying- The Powerless Rise (metalcore)
13. Attila- Rage (metal/hardcore)
14. B.O.B.- The Adventures of Bobby Ray (hip-hop/pop)
15. Band of Horses- Infinite Arms (indie-rock)
16. Beneath the Sky- In Loving Memory (metal)
17. Bison B.C.- Dark Ages (Stoner metal?)
18. Blacastan- Blac Sabbath (hip-hop)
19. Black Breath- Heavy Breathing (metal)
20. Black Oxygen- The Difference Is...(Alt-Rock)
21. Black Tusk- Taste the Sun (stoner metal)
22. Braille- Weapon Aid (indie/hip-hop)
23. Brighten- Be Human (alt rock/pop)
24. The Burning Hotels- Novels (Indie-Rock)
25. Chief Kamachi- Clock of Destiny (Rap)
26. Circa Survive- Blue Sky Noise (Emo/Indie/Alt)
27. Citizen Cope- The Rain Water LP (Alt/Folk/Jam)
28. The Classic Crime- Vagabonds (rock)
29. Crooked Still- Some Strange Country (Folk/Bluegrass)
30. Dead Country- Dead Country (Pop-Punk)
31. Dead Letter Circus- This is the Warning (no words to describe, just awesome!)
32. Deceptikon- Mythology of the Metropolis (Electronica)
33. Deftones- Diamond Eyes (Deftones)
34. Dependency- Convicted (Hardcore/metal)
35. Discover America- Future Paths (Alt-Rock/lite rock)
36. Divide The Sea- Man (metal)
37. Duck Duck Goose- Off Yourself (hardcore/noisecore)
38. Efterklang- Magic Chairs (indie)
39. Emancipator- Safe in the Steep Cliffs (ambient)
40. Emii- Magic (pop)
41. Envy On The Coast- Low Country (Emo/Rock/Amazing)
42. Fang Island- Fang Island (indie)
43. Far- At Night We Live (Rock/emo)
44. Fear Factory- Mechanize (shit metal)
45. Fictionist- Lasting Echo (indie)
46. Flobots- Survival Story (hip-hop)
47. Four Year Strong- Enemy of the World (Punk)
48. Foxy Shazam- Foxy Shazam (idk)
49. From First to Last- Throne to the Wolves (Post-hardcore)
50. Gaudi- No Prisoners (electronica)
51. The Ghost Inside- Returners (metal/hardcore)
52. Glass Candy- Feeling Without Touching (electronica)
53. Hawthorne Heights- Skeletons (emo/alt-rock)
54. A Hope For Home- Realis (ambient Metal)
55. Hour of Penance- Paradogma (insane metal)
56. Horse Feathers- Thistled Spring (soft rock)
57. I am Abomination- To Our Forefathers (metal)
58. Ihsahn- After (metal)
59. In Mourning- Monolith (metal)
60. Isles and Glaciers- The Hearts of Lonely People (Alt-Emo-Rock)
61. Jae Millz- The Flood (Rap)
62. Jamie's Elsewhere- They said a Storm was Coming (post-hardcore)
63. Jason Derulo- Jason Derulo (R&B/Pop)
64. Jennifer Knapp- Letting Go (pop/country/r&b)
65. John5- The Art of Malice (Guitar rock/instrumental)
66. Joshua Radin- Songs Under a Street Light (singer/songwriter)

67. Justin Bieber- My World 2.0 (pop)
68. Kalmah- 12 Guage (metal)
69. Katatonia- The Longest Year EP (doom)
70. Ke$ha- Animal (pop)
71. Kidz In the Hall- Land of Make Believe (hip-hop)
72. Letter to the Exiles- The Shadow Line (metal)
73. Living Sacrafice- The Infinite Order
74. Ludracris- Battle of the Sexes (rap)
75. Map the Sea- Asleep Beneath Trees (indie)
76. Martiden- Encounter the Monolith (metal)
77. Matthew Mayfield- Man Made Machines (singer/songwriter)
78. Minus The Bear- Omni (indie)
79. Monument to Thieves- Monument to Thieves (metal)
80. Mouth of the Architect- The Violence Beneath (metal)
81. The Moon and her Mother- The Moon and her Mother (indie)
82. My Education- Sunrise (electronica)
83. Of Mice and Men- Of Mice and Men (metalcore)
84.  Of Salt and Swine- Lights out (metalcore)
85. Orphaned Land- The Never Ending Way of OrwarriOr (prog metal)
86.Our Last Night- We Will All Evolve (Post-hardcore)
87. Pistolita- The Paper Boy EP (alt/punk)
88. Portugal The Man- American Ghetto (indie)
89. Red Sparowes- The Fear is Excruciating, but there in lies the answer (ambient)
90. Retribution Gospel Choir-2 (Rock)
91. Rogue Wave- Permalight (indie/acoustic)
92. Ron Pope- The New England Sessions (singer/songwriter)
93. Rotting Christ- AEALO (Metal)
94. Sail by the Stars- Night Owl EP (alt-punk)
95. Secret and Whisper- Teenage Fantasy (Post-hardcore/emo)
96. Six Gallery- Breakthroughs in Modern Art (indie/well composed)
97. Sleeping With Sirens- With Ears to See and Eyes to hear (post hardcore)
98. Stick to Your Guns- The Hope Division (hardcore)
99. The Story So Far- While You Were Sleeping EP (Alt-Rock)
100. Structures- All of the Above (metal)
101. Through the Eyes of the Dead- Skepsis (deathcore)
102. To Speak of Wolves- Myself<Letting Go (metalcore)
103. Truthlive- Patience (hip-hop)
104. Twilight- Monument to Time End (death metal)
105. Usher- Raymond VS. Raymond (R&B)
106. Vampire Weekend- Contra
107. We Are the Fallen- Tear the World Down (evenescence wannabes)
108. Weatherstar- Weatherstar (alt rock)
109. Whitechapel- A New Era Of Corruption (deathcore)
110. Woe of Tryants- Threnody (metal)
111. Wrench in the Works- Decrease/Increase (metal)
112. Yukmouth- Free At Last (rap)
113. 108- 18.61 (metal)
114. 1349- Demonoir (black metal)
115. Alcoholic Faith Mission- Let This Be the last Night we Care (indie)
116. Factor- Lawson Graham (rap/indie)
117. The Mourning Benders- Big Echo (indie)
118. The Ocean- Heliocentric (werid/toolish)
119. Periphery- Periphery (prog metal)

Probably missed a few albums as not all of the music in my library is properly dated. If there are any albums you have questions about/want let me know. If there is an album not on my list you think I should have, please let me know!
Friday, June 4th, 2010
12:26 am
Sink yourself

The wood of the dock was hard against her back. After too many nights crying herself to sleep in a plush bed, the unforgiving planks were a welcomed change. It didn't really matter where she slept tonight anyway. She was finally falling asleep next to him again. It had only been three weeks, but it had been three weeks of staring into the blank darkness, eyes searching for a ceiling. Those nights when the only sleep you get is in the hour just before the sun comes up when your body finally overcomes your mind and shuts down.

Tonight the crickets were alive out in the grass surrounding the lake, and for that she was grateful. She couldn't take the silence. That was all she heard on the other end of the line when she told him. She didn't have the heart to do it in person. He didn't yell, he didn't scream, he didn't call her a whore, he was just silent. And in the time it took for her to think of what to say next, he had hung up the phone.

She had expected to breathe a sigh of relief. She thought that this is what she had wanted. It only took a few minutes for the thoughts to creep in. The thought that she was never going to see him again. He would never make her laugh again, never again would she hear his voice say how beautiful she was, not once more would she feel his hands on her body. She thought these feelings would pass, but with each day they only became worse. She called, and e-mailed, and stopped by his place. He didn't answer, he didn't respond, he wasn't there.

Her parents had a place up north on the lake. It was there where she had spent all of her summers as a child. She needed a few days. She just needed to get away. She had taken a few personal days from work. Maybe three or four days would clear her head. She wished so badly she could go back to those years where it felt like her whole life was ahead of her, those late nights with her friends around a camp fire. She would tell her parents she was going to six flags for the weekend with friends, and they would secretely drive up to the lake and party; never without a few boys in tow of course. But then it didn’t matter…everyone was too young to believe in being in love.

When they met she never thought she would cheat on him. She never imagined herself doing that to someone. Life gets a hold of you sometime. Life beats you down. She felt so trapped. Work, him, work, him, work, him. She didn’t feel the excitement of being chased anymore. She missed it. Or so she thought.

The first two nights at the lake didn’t seem to make any difference. Her nights were still void of any sleep and overwhelmed with racing thoughts. The sun was starting to set and she was beginning to dread another 8 hours of disgusting consciousness. That’s when he showed up. She had only brought him up a few times in the 4 years they had been together. She cried, and he held her. She kept saying she was sorry, her face burrowed in his chest. His t-shirt wet from all the tears. He told her it was okay. She told him that she loved him, he said that he loved her too.


He waited for her to fall asleep. It took a while, she kept crying, and kissing, and telling him how much she loved him. She said that the dock felt good against her back. He couldn’t feel anything. He wasn’t wearing anything but a pair of boxers and his favorite t-shirt. He put his feet in the water. He couldn’t tell you if it was warm or cold. And as silently as he could he slid his entire body into the lake. He took one last look at her before his head went under.

In the morning when they found his body, she kept saying, “He must have fallen off the dock in his sleep, right?” There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone lie to themselves.

Thursday, May 27th, 2010
10:21 pm
Something you will never know

The sun brushes my left cheek as I step out of my car and cross the parking lot. I don't know why it's not until now I realize how I foreshadowed my own fate a week before. There is always the chance it was just dumb luck, or coincidence, and of course there is that chance (albeit a small one) that we are all far more capable of forward perception than we realize. I don't think I'm special. I try to remain indifferent about the way I feel, but I'm not doing a very good job.

"I Imagine you to be the perfect boyfriend." She said. The next minute or so is filled by her tallying all of the wonderful qualities I possess. I can't say I disagree with what she is saying about me, though I don't think of myself as perfect. Instead I just think about my own beliefs and the way in which I feel you should treat someone that you care about. Kind words always feel wonderful, but words can only carry you so far. At some point they begin to feel hollow. Particularly when people abuse them.

The automatic doors of the shopping center slide open, and I'm met with the dry and cool air and the stingy artificial light. You know, the kind that makes you want to buy things. I left her only an hour before, feeling good about the things we had talked about. But it wasn't until I opened that car door and felt the sun against my face that I start to realize the error I had made a week before.

"I wanted to go out tonight, but I didn't feel like getting dressed up." She said. Jokingly I told her the man of her dreams may be there. She often would remark about meeting her "future husband." I laughed and told her she was more likely to meet her future husband at a bar than the man of her dreams. She's not sure what I mean. I explain to her that someone's "dream" person doesn't exist. She thinks I am implying she will settle for less than what she wants. I tell her that it’s not until you can accept someone’s flaws that you can truly feel love. She says she understands. She says she agrees.

I tell her the perfect person doesn’t exist.

She tells me I am the perfect person.

Therefore, I do not exist.

I hate to go so quietly into the night, but this is a battle I just can’t win.

Friday, April 16th, 2010
10:42 pm
The gun makes you look nicer in a bad way
The sun gives me hope, the heat makes me feel free, but I love the rain. The sound of it outside my window fills the silence in my head. It's a quiet rage. It's an anger no one ever gets to see but me. I grew up thinking I was supposed to be a hero, but this one here...this one is not for you, it's for me. And maybe I'm just kidding myself, thinking it was ever for anyone else. Most people might be solaced by the comfort of those who are supposed to be there for you, but I never find much comfort in it. I understand they are always going to do it. I don't hate it. I don't need it. The unexpected things in life are often the most beautiful, and the truth is nothing beautiful has ever inspired me. If I told you it did, I was lying. The truth is, I lie, the difference is, I want it to be true. And who is honest enough to say that?

People constantly try to define their paths, but how many can admit that they aren't really sure why things ended up the way they did? And how many people can acknowledge the end of the road? Sometimes all the "pieces are in place" and you still fail. That's the just the way things work. The only reason is that there is no reason. You can't learn how to be successful by reading a book. You can either try and maybe fail, or just play it safe. But when that magic is gone, just let it go and move on. No one likes a has-been. And not a damn person cares what you used to be able to do. Everyone is to busy trying to be the new flavor of the week to sit back and take in the real live stuff. Watching everyone around me is like watching a bunch of sharks all looking for the last fish in the ocean. It's gone. Someone else already got it. All you're going find is some buried bones. But in your mind there will be some meat on them. There isn't. You are the meat. But you were to busy swimming around looking for something to realize if you hadn't been running all over the place you would have enough to stay alive. So you starved yourself to death. Your best years gone because you spent your best years looking for your best years. But I'm going to die too. I'm not any better. I knew where what I wanted was, I just convinced myself I didn't deserve it and went home.

This world of brevity doesn't suit me. It's not how I am wired. That's why it's silent in my head. The quiet rage. And that's my justification. That's my logic. That's my argument. I'm not a flash in the pan aimed at grabbing your attention, instead I'm walking a long road because I love it, just secretly hoping someone else would love it too. I think everyone should, I'm not surprised when they don't, I'm happy when they do, and I'm angry because they won't.

You need to convince yourself everything is great. I need to convince myself it's not.
Thursday, March 18th, 2010
10:53 pm
What a surprise
This past Tuesday I was home from work as I was not feeling well. In the afternoon without the energy to do much else, I turned the television on. This is something I rarely do, and was quickly reminded why. If a show is fiction, I usually hate the plot development because I don't think a half hour or hour is enough time to really rope me in. If a show is non-fiction, it usually annoys me how ignorant people are.

I was lucky enough (note the sarcasm) to catch an episode of Dr. Oz. I've heard people talk about this guy before, and everyone seems to be so enamored with him. The particular episode I caught was about the dangers of texting and driving. A neurological specialist was on the show to talk about how only 2% of the population have the brain power to carry on a conversation and perform the necessary tasks to safely operate a motor vehicle, and that NO ONE has the cognitive power text and drive at the same time. They paraded a bunch of people around on the show talking about the accidents they've had because of texting and driving. One thing that caught my attention in particular was when the specialist said "When trying to text and drive, either the conversation is going to suffer or the driving is going to suffer."


I don't condone texting and driving (because honestly people suck at driving enough as it is) but the secret here is, driving takes precedence over your conversation. If it takes you two minutes to type out a 20 second text, so be it. At least you won't crash. The funny thing is, how stupid people are that can't get this simple and blatant priority in the right order. Let's not forget the other important facts: Some phones are more dangerous to text on than others. My current phone has a touch screen, I have to look at it to text on it. A phone with hard buttons and home keys is much easier to text on, and anyone with a functioning brain should be able to text without looking at it. Making the process no different than hitting the "scan" button on the radio.

During the show they had Dr. Oz try his hand on a driving simulator while trying to text. He crashed, and the whole audience was in awe. I don't know how people get to pass this garbage off as "science" but I need to get in on it and get my piece of the pie. Let's just point out the obvious here. Your hands touch a steering wheel, which is connected to a steering column, which is connected to your wheels, which touch the ground. Meaning your car is constantly giving you feed back. You should be able to feel if your car is changing direction or drifting, speeding up or decelerating, etc... Well you should be able to tell these things if you're not a moron, but I guess we can't expect people to have these skills because our lovely governments put so much emphasis on parking (how many people ever died parking their car?) in drivers "education" (I use that word loosely here.) the simulator didn't have any physical feedback, making it much more difficult to control your vehicle without looking at the screen.

The specialist also said that head sets like blue-tooth systems had no affect on results, and that talking on a cell phone was hazardous because of the brain function required, and not the fact that you only had one hand on the wheel. Which makes me wonder how so many people drive daily with others in the car and converse with them and manage to arrive safely at their destination. I mean if only 2% have the brain power to have a conversation and drive at the same time, you think there would be a lot more accidents happening every day.

What it comes down to is people aren't aware in general, and suck at driving. I used to fantasize about teaching drivers ed, but then I realized the curriculum sucks, and I don't support it, and I doubt it will ever change. So here are some driving tips for all the sucky drivers out there.
  1. Be Predictable
    1. We have right of way rules for a reason. Follow them. If I am waiting at a stop sign to turn left onto the road you're on, don't slow down and waive me on, even if traffic is bad. Eventually I'll have enough space to pull out, and I'm not looking at you to see if you are going to let me in, I'm constantly scanning the road, looking for my opening, so by the time I see you and actually pull out, you've already slowed down the flow of traffic, and pissed a lot of people off. Don't be a nice guy, just drive.
    2. Unless the speed limit changes, don't change your speed. This goes especially for highway driving. If you have cruise control, use it. Not only will you get better gas mileage and make better time, but you will also be more predictable, and thus be more safe. There is nothing more annoying then when I have my cruise set on the highway, and I fly up on slower traffic, only to have them speed up as I attempt to pass them in the left lane. Usually the vehicle is piloted by some zombie soccer mom just squeezing the gas pedal as a subconscious reaction to pace my car. People do this all the time, it's an auto response. As they approach slower traffic, they just naturally slow to that speed as opposed to passing them, same thing happens when someone attempts to pass. This mental state is reactive. That's dangerous. If you react to things on the road, you're screwed, because you're too slow. Your pathetic human brain wasn't designed to react to things at 70mph. That's why you have to look ahead, and think ahead, and pay attention.
  2. Communicate
    1. Turn signals were put on your car for a reason. Use them. But let's talk about the proper use for a turn signal. The turn signal should indicate something you are GOING to do, not something you've already done, or something you WANT to do. Putting your signal on half way through your lane change, is just a waste of a motor neuron impulse. I can already clearly see you are changing lanes, moron. Also if you want to come into my lane, but there isn't much space, putting your turn signal on isn't going to make me give you more room. Either you feel comfortable pulling in front of me, or you need to slow down to get behind my car. I don't care if you want to change lanes, put your signal on if you're GOING to change lanes, but don't give me the finger when I go by because I didn't let you in. I had the right of way, so suck it.

I will elaborate more on this later. I don't want to overload anyone's brain.
Sunday, February 28th, 2010
11:26 pm
Believe in something bigger than ourselves
I often wonder about the oddities of yesteryear. With the advent of the film, photography, the type press, the internet, and digital information  in general, it has been so easy to document and catalogue the happenings of the world. All of the issues (the non-societal issues anyway) we deal with today...did  they exist prior and were just never documented? I mostly wonder about disease, not necessarily just physical disease, but also mental disease.  Are these diseases relatively new? How many mental diseases are a result of physical reasons (i.e. physical trauma, macro/micro nutrient deficiencies, etcc) vs. mental reasons (social deprivations, sensory deprivations, psychological trauma, etc...)

It is a well accepted theory that mental stress can lead to a physical change, for example if you are stressed it is not uncommon to feel back pain, neck pain, experience headaches, etc..  So it is not hard to believe that mental states can be caused by physical conditions. For example lack of physical stimulation or a lack of proper nutrients that affect your bodies physical state, and thus your mental state.

What this is all leading up to is, was Tim Treadwell crazy because of constraints (or applications?) of today's society, his upbringing, or was he crazy because of physical implications like nutrition, or physical interaction?

If you are unfamiliar with name you may remember Treadwell from making the news in 2003 when he was killed and eaten by grizzly bears. A attack by  a grizzly bear might not seem like enough to make national news, except Treadwell had been living "among" Grizzly bears for nearly 13 years.

Today I had the opportunity to watch Waren Herzog's 2005 film  "Grizzly Man" which utilizes Treadwell's  own footage in combination with interviews with Treadwell's friend's and family after his death. It is immediately clear that  Treadwell is  not mentally right. At first what appears to be an edgy wildlife enthusiast, quickly develops into an attention deprived drug addict replacing his physical addiction with an obsession with bears.

Treadwell would film himself going on and  on for 10, 15, sometimes 20 minutes about how much he "loved" the  bears, and how he wanted to protect them, at moments going into fits of rage chastising those who would "hurt" the bears, he seemed a man not in control of his emotions. But beyond the bear footage, was the interesting dialogue between himself and the camera talking about his trouble with women, and things completely aside from the study of wildlife.

The documentary reveals that he tried out for a part on the television show "cheers" and developed alcohol problem. He claims in the videos that the "bears saved him" and gave his life purpose because he was "protecting them" despite that there is no real poaching problem in the Alaskan wild.

As time progresses you can see Treadwell becoming more and more chatty with the camera, and less detached with reality. At one point he even finds a smiley face drawn on a rock and interprets it as a "threatening message" to him and whoever drew it "knew what they were doing."

This was clearly not about bears. This was about his need for attention, and his apparent social shortcomings, and his addiction. So how did Treadwell get to that point? And why bears as a replacement of his drug addictions? Are the bears just a tribute to the random happenings of a 6.6 billion populous? It's part of what I like to call the "Already Happened" Theory. It's the idea that there are so many people on the planet, that there isn't one single original thought left. Everything that could have happened has already been done by someone. There is nothing left that is new. Sure the replacing your drug addiction with an obsession with god is a classic story, other people fill their lives with sports, this guy did it with, bears, sure, why not?

It's scary to think how close to the edge Treadwell really was. And when I say edge I mean the edge of the line that separates crazy and sane. He was standing on an opposite side from most of it, but I feel like he wasn't that far away from it. I know a lot of people  that can't seem to exist without the undivided attention of others, and will go to great lengths to acquire it. Or those who are just starving for the spot light, the idea of being famous consumes them. This was the irony of Treadwell; he had a girlfriend, but he was so self absorbed he never allowed her to be on camera because he wanted to create the illusion via his films that he was alone in the wilderness.

Admittedly I've at one point I fantasized about the idea of fame. I always dreamed in being in a famous band. Interestingly now I  spend most of my time at F.I.T. and have a decreased amount of social interaction. Sure I see  clients during my classes throughout  the day, but it's a repetitive output for me. Only a few minutes before and after the classes to actually interact with people. Maybe for a lot of people their job is their version of Treadwell's bears.

At any rate I felt insane after watching the documentary. Everyone associated with Treadwell seemed to have a deprived sense of reality. Perhaps it could be contributed to the region...I can't imagine Alaska is a mecca of human interaction. If you have a chance, check it out. And if you're feeling alone, go talk to someone, don't run away from the things you fear or need the most.
Sunday, February 14th, 2010
10:22 pm
Ruin it any way you can
Today was the first day in a long time I decided I was going to do nothing but read and write. I have completely neglected my book for the last 2+ months and that is not okay. I don't want to lose my voice (my vision that is, not my actual voice). The bright side of my neglect was that I am detached enough at this point to read what I have already written and see it from a point of view aside from myself as a writer.

You probably could have imagined my glee when I couldn't find the document on my lap top. Apparently it wasn't one of the files that got transferred when I got this new computer. My old computer is at FIT. Not all of the files survived the crash of the old lap top, so there is a definite possibility that all my hard work is lost. I won't know until tomorrow. But no big deal right? It was only like half way done, (some where around 50,000 words).

I received two forwarded chain text messages today in regards to the "holiday." I find it amusing that people send chain messages on holidays like Christmas and Valentine's day. The whole point is to make people feel special and loved, and instead people take the cheap way out and just forward a generic message they didn't write.

I don't care about Valentines Day, I haven't been in a relationship on Valentines Day since probably....3 or 4 years ago, but at the same time it's usually a day when people close to you call to say hi, let you know they are thinking about you. You learn a lot about people when you decide to let them take the initiative. Needless to say my phone was rather quiet this afternoon, and I am not sure if that says a lot about them or me. Personally I feel like my general demeanor to people hasn't changed. I feel like i still do what I can for the people around me, and still love to have a good time. The only thing that has changed is my body. In a way I feel betrayed by my body with all the injuries. Does this make people shallow? Or am I surrounding myself with the wrong people?

This entry is a waste, because I hate ending up with more questions than answers.

It is surprising when you think people are there for you, but really are not. A perfect is example of this is how many people in my life have asked me at some point or another for fitness or nutrition advice, "can you write me a program?" or "Can you write me a meal plan?" or "Can you read this article and tell me if it's true or not?" and my personal favorite "Can you come to the gym and help me workout to make sure I'm doing stuff right?" Yet I'm on the verge of my biggest investment and possibly greatest success and these same people aren't there to support it. What's worse is they don't even attempt to explain to me why, as if I should just anticipate their lack of support.

Friday night out at the bar Erica commented on how "observant" I am. I had over heard a guy hitting on a girl nearby and was relaying the story to her. I guess I have always been this way. I may be outspoken and opinionated, but I do like to take things in, and I can't help but notice how many people are not self aware (no terminator!).

Maybe I've been spending too much time on facebook (gotta whore yourself out, it's free marketing!) but I just cannot get over how self absorbed people are. I am dually entertained and annoyed by posts like "Going out with my girlies tonight *insert city* better watch out! We are going to run this town!"

The truth is no matter what city you're in, there will be hundreds of other people just like you who probably posted the same vanilla shit on their facebook page. And if paying too much for a bunch of weak ass drinks that make you boot cuz of the sugar and not the alcohol and then acting like a slut and going home with some guido is your idea of "running a town." Then you are a delusional zombie.

I mean isn't this where the whole genre of "reality" has developed from? This generation of overstimualted ego? TV shows about people's day to day lives, books about wild tales of money and sex and partying. It's never what it seems like. Reality media is just as fabricated as fiction. People are out there. Things are happening. That's great. You shouldn't care about what it is I am doing every moment of my day, and I certainly don't care what you are doing, but we have this fascination with fame, and we want to emulate it. How have we digressed into this attention starved society?

Now don't get me wrong. Everyone is entitled to have their fun. Your friends are your friends for a reason. You love them. I love mine, but why is it that people act as if they are constantly the best thing since sliced bred? Do I live in a culture that is so insecure they have to constantly talk themselves up to feel whole? I might not even mind all the egotistical bombardment if it wasn't for the glaring inconsistencies. I'm part of a generation that doesn't see the difference between contractual and possessive. Maybe you don't care, but you should care, because if you don't, then the next generation will take it a step further (they always do), and I really don't see the point in creating an over saturated world of morons.

I'm always waking up in a world I don't want to see. I feel like I'm mostly alone in my attempts to make any of it different. Maybe I'm the crazy one, maybe I'm the one that isn't self aware. I always think people can do better than they do. Maybe I just hold everyone up to too high of a standard.
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
11:59 pm
Don't let it fool you
I don't do well with waiting for things. I am not a very patient person. I feel like I've spent a lot of time waiting for things that I knew deep down would never come. I have more smarts than hope, but goddamn, this is getting ridiculous. It seems no matter how smart I am there are just some things I can't figure out. There are patterns, in people I mean, that are very obvious, but despite the fact that I know how people are going to act or react in a certain situation I still can't seem to figure out what things I need to do to alter those actions or reactions. Why can't I figure out the one thing I want the most? The one thing I have the most experience with, and have worked the hardest at.

I wonder why some people can never say what they mean. Surely sometimes it is out of stupidity, other times, I think it's probably selfishness. Some people are probably too afraid that if they tell you what they really want, you will abandon them, so they tell you just enough to keep you on the line.

Most of the time I cannot be bothered by people's pettiness. Most of the time I don't take things personally, I don't care what someone said, or what they think. There aren't many people's opinions I value. It makes me feel alone, mostly. So many times I've told myself I would live without certain things. Things that are socially the norm. I do well with it most of the time, but every once in a while things work their way into my life, and that average side of me starts thinking about living an average life. I don't know what it is about me that makes me detest the thought of being like other people. I'm human, and sometimes I hate it. I hate human nature. I firmly believe we are all better than what is "only natural." It's such a cop out. We should be smarter. We should be stronger. We should have figured that out by now.
Monday, January 25th, 2010
11:39 pm
This is a repost
There are a lot of things I do not understand.

I did a quick search and couldn't find any figures on how much automakers spend annually on R&D for safety features. I bet it's a lot. Billions probably. How much money does the government spend improving drivers education? I don't think it would be that expensive of a venture to re-write the curriculum. Instead they would rather just keep increased the minimum age to hold a license.

Are people's mind's developing more slowly? How come people 30 years ago were fit to drive at 16, and now it's 18?

In my opinion the driver is the most important safety feature in a vehicle. How many errors are caused to vehicle malfunction in comparison to driver error?

We hold human life in such high regard, yet we refuse to take responsibility for it. As I sat at an intersection today, I watched 34 cars turn left off of an exit. Two used their turn signals. Two. 94% of drivers witnessed failed to move their left hand no more than 4 inches to signal their turning. Safe driving is all about communicating with other drivers what you are doing, so there are no surprises. It's all about being predictable. Yet we fail to perform the most basic actions, and then spend tedious hours researching safety ratings on cars, holding the manufacturers responsible because we can't pay attention at the wheel.

And then we mourn when a natural disaster occurs and kills thousands. A natural disaster. How many people died needlessly in a very unnatural car crash? We spend so much time focusing on an even like the Haiti earthquake...anything to divert the attention from our own short comings. We will gladly discuss the Haiti earthquake, talk about how sad it is, donate some money. How much money have you ever donated to drivers education? How much money have you ever donated to any kind of education?

Did you know there was an oil spill off the coast of Texas two days ago? More than 450,000 gallons of crude oil spilled into the ocean. I searched through 150 articles on  CNN.com and didn't find a single one about the oil spill. Yet every other article was about Haiti, with useless shit splattered in between about dead movie stars and box office ratings.

I guess it's not important to raise awareness about protecting our planet, and fixing OUR fuck-up, but when a natural part of the world takes a human life we are up in arms about it. How many people would have died in Haiti if there weren't man made buildings there? To be crushed by the house that you built might be sad, but it's definitely ironic. Yet when we dump a bunch of shit in to the ocean (shit used to power the shit we built for ourselves to go to work to afford other shit we invented) it doesn't even make the front page. How many fish, and birds, and plant life, and....whales  (yeah you know, mammals?) are going to die because of the oil spill?

I'm not a hippie, a tree-hugger, or even an environmentalist. I don't smoke weed, I love eating meat, and I want to bitch slap anyone who drives a hybrid. So why am I even talking about this? Because I'm not so stupid that I can't see the hypocrisy in all of  it. Forgive me for recognizing that the most beautiful things on this planet  aren't the things we've built, but the things that were already here when we got here. The mountains, the trees, the animals. Did you ever sell a car you really liked? Did you cry? Have you ever had a pet dog or cat? Did you cry when it died?

I don't think people are less important than animals and nature, but I don't think they are more important either. The problem is we are too smart for our own good. We keep defeating all of natures natural defenses against over population. And the truth of the matter is,  life is just a game of numbers. It's all percentages. The more people there are, the more people are going to die (tragically). If you want less people to die, stop letting there be so many people.
Saturday, January 23rd, 2010
1:32 am
Thoughts after midnight
I had to wait about twenty minutes to write this entry. Livejournal was down for maintenance. I was upset for about 5 seconds, and then I thought about the day and time, and decided that this is probably about the best possible time for them to do maintenance. Friday night...theoretically everyone should be out doing something fun. Although most of the people that keep an online journal are probably some one introverted, emo, and weird. Ya know the types that just hang out by themselves and sulk.

I contemplated posting this entry as a "note" in facebook. I felt the urge to write publicly. I have this journal set to automatically import into my facebook account, but in some strange way I felt like if I was to forgo writing in here, I would be some how giving in to facebook (because I am about to trash talk it!)

Facebook has become nothing more than an over glorified AOL IM away message. I remember when AIM was all the rage, it was common for people to continually change their away message to constantly inform you of what they were doing. Also just as common was away messages that people used to say something they didn't have the spine to actually say something. Of course they would always make it ambiguous enough that people would inquire about it, and if the person who it was directed towards actually got offended, the culprit could play it off as if it were just a generic message. The biggest difference, is now with facebook, attention whores get even more attention because everyone gets to see those idiotic inquiries. Where before with AIM someone would have to be satisfied for messages left for them to privately respond to, facebook allows everyone to see how much people care about you with the "Are you okay hun? "OMG what's wrong? Call me if you need anything!" Let's be honest, if you were close enough to the person for them to count on you for shit, you wouldn't be informed of their vague personal problems via the internet, (okay, maybe e-mail...but c'mon a social network?)

Facebook privacy settings are also a great source of entertainment. Now you can choose who you want to whore yourself out too. I really don't understand the premise of putting all of your personal information (family member identifier, wtf?) on a website and then HIDING it from the world. Is it really that important for people to brag to their friends about their lame shit? Keeping up with the Jones' has officially hit cyberspace, and it makes me rage.

I will probably slap the next person I see who has a photo of their baby as their default pic too. Yeah I get it, your kid is cute. It's a baby. 99% of them are cute, but do you really want to plaster pictures of your kid all over the internet? So what if you have your privacy settings to "friends only" people can still easily gain access to your pictures if they really want to. I see it happen daily. No seriously, daily. To be honest, I'm glad my parents didn't have the internet when I was a baby. I would be pissed as hell to know my picture had been blasted on a venue that has literally millions of daily visitors. Really cool. It's a baby, it has no say in the matter, so yeah why don't you just throw away it's privacy. They probably won't want it anyway, especially because you are going to feed it cake for breakfast, and read "cosmo" articles as bed time stories.

By this point some of you may be thinking "wait a minute, I've seen your facebook...you do some of the stuff you are complaining about." And how right you are...because if I didn't attract attention to myself, why the hell would you be reading this? You wouldn't. And I want you to read it, because I want to change your mind, why? Well that's simple, because I feel my view points are valid, and should be utilized on a greater scale to increase the overall worth of humanity. There it is. I said. I like being mildly offensive.

Speaking of being offensive, I also take great offense to people that post religious chain mail type posts as their facebook status (and let's face it, posting any chain type text *cough* pink *cough* is offensive. This isn't 1998. We've all seen the video of the baby laughing) should smack themselves for being so rude. I wouldn't make a post about how I believe in a god, and how religion is a cult, and people who still believe in it are living a close-minded and narrow-visioned life. No, I just go about my business and believe what I want to believe. If what you believe is true, it doesn't matter what anyone else believes. REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU BELIEVE IT DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT ACTUALLY IS. Posting that shit is like putting a John Kerry sign on your front lawn. It's not going to change anyone's mind, and it just makes you look like an asshole. I know I'm probably more anti-religion than most, but the last time I saw some Jesus related post I didn't go, "Ya know what...they are right! Jesus DID die for my sins (wtf does that even mean anyway?) THANK YOU FACEBOOK!"

I overheard some people at lunch today talking about how they wanted to go see Avatar because it looks amazing, but they heard it goes against Christian beliefs. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I can't imagine living a life where you repress yourself like that. I'm not a Nazi, but that wouldn't stop me from reading Mein Kampf. It's called being an open minded and educated individual. Maybe these people feel like they wouldn't be able to control themselves and become sinners after seeing giant digitized blue Native Americans in 3D. I know...it's disgusting what they will show kids these days.

I'm definitely on a roll tonight, but I have to cut myself off and get some sleep to prepare for my day tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, because no matter what I decide to do someone is going to be upset with me (and I would rather not upset either of these people) and no matter what I do, I'm not going to end up being happy. So my weekend is basically a wash. And for being as intelligent as I am (which is more intelligent than I am handsome, but handsome nonetheless) I still haven't figured out how to defeat a situation like the one fast approaching.
Monday, January 18th, 2010
9:14 pm
You might need a murderer
In the age of the internet nothing is worth anything without proper documentation. Before every feasible piece of information was available on the web, people trusted web pages like they did the text in a book. Although there are a few fools here and there these days, it's not quite the same. Internet message boards are littered with outrageous claims, followed by rebuttals like "source?" or "link?" And if you search you can often find credible information out there in the vast layers of the web.

With such a demand on credibility of information, it almost seems like it is pointless to take the time to contemplate on certain subjects. With the exception of the far out regions of abstract thought, almost everything can be studied, categorized, and quantified. I think life was probably more fun when we didn't know so much about how it worked.

A few days ago I had all these magnificent thoughts about the connections between the body and the mind. And then I thought about science, and I became swayed and thought that there was probably some study out there that disproved whatever it was I was feeling.
Sunday, December 27th, 2009
9:45 pm
Sleepy head
When I walked out of my house today it felt like the end of an era. I feel like this week marks the beginning of a lot of new challenges and horizons. I've been feeling weird lately. I feel more intellectually powerful than I've ever felt before, yet I seem to have lost my adolescent optimism, that feeling like life is this epic adventure is gone. Not that I don't feel like I have anything to look forward too, on the contrary I think there are a lot of things about to take place, I just don't have that "anything is possible" mentality right now. Everything seems so concrete.

It could be because I have so much work immediately ahead of me. It's strange when you create something out of nothing. I can't imagine what starting a business was like 50 years ago. It must have been so much different. Now there are so many new factors you have to be concerned with. It feels like technology speeds us up and slows us down. Ironically these same technologies probably are a big part of the reason why services like the one this businesses provides, are necessary.

Early day tomorrow.
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